Around your teen years, you’re going to start having difficulty with the adult world. We’re going to seem very disconnected from you. We don’t care about the things you care about and vice versa. We spend all our time watching the news instead of entertainment programs. We do things like improvements around the house instead of playing games or hanging out. We don’t understand why your loud music is cool, or your outrageous clothes/hair are desirable. We worry too much about your grades, your friends, your future. We fixate on money and work and don’t understand how tough peer pressure is. As a matter of fact, you may think at times that we just don’t have anything valuable to contribute to your life at this point besides a meal ticket.
Well, it’s true, to a degree. We do worry about different things and focus on different things. We disapprove of some of the things you think are great. Maybe it seems like we just have hopelessly incompatible ideas about life.
But it’s your job to understand us, not the other way around. As your Dad, I do everything I can to understand and support you and to help make things better for you, but in the end it’s your responsibility to understand me and the adult world as a whole.
“Why”, you say, bristling. “Why do I have to try to fit into your world instead of you fitting into mine?”
It’s very simple. Adults are in charge of the world. We own everything. We make all the rules and enforce them. We own the businesses, we run the government, we make the laws and enforce them and we decide at any given point exactly how much of the world you can enjoy and what you’re allowed to do.
Think about it for a minute. As teenagers, you “own” a tiny little subculture -basically some ways to dress, speak and behave – and you probably learned them from some adults marketing them to you – selling you on the idea that something is “yours” so you’ll give them some money. You don’t own anything. You’re in the minority and you have no real power. What little power you believe you hold over adults is just by benefit of our concern for you. If you all packed up and left we’d be missing the emotional connections, but functionally everything would keep going just fine.
Think about a baby. Basically, they know how to cry, poop and eat. They have no concept of friendship, community, sacrifice, pressure. They are completely self-centered and they have no idea how the world works. If you were to leave them unsupervised, they’d die. At age 16, you’ve got nearly 16 years of a head start on them. You’ve got 16 years worth of experience about how the world works, how to get things done, how to get ahead and what’s worth enjoying.
As a father, I’ve got 30+ years on you. And I haven’t been sitting dormant or getting stupider during that time. I’ve been doing exactly what you’re doing – learning how the world works and how to make it work for me. I don’t watch the news because I’m boring – I watch it because I know how those news stories affect me and what I might have to do because of some recent development. I’ve been learning about friendship and loyalty and culture and history and having real world experiences dealing with people. Most other adults have as well. And we use that knowledge and experience to set things up so the world works for all of us.
I’m not saying this to demean or demoralize you. I’m saying it to make a point.
As a teenager, it’s your responsibility to learn to be an adult. You don’t really get to dodge the process. Either time, experience or need is going to ensure that you become an adult. If you want to get anything done in life, you have to be an adult. Even the teenagers who get held up for starting businesses or saving the environment or getting recognized by the media got there by interacting with the adult world. The teenager who raises money for some noble cause does so by talking adults out of their money. Teen movie stars or pop stars didn’t get themselves there – their parents did. The money you earn for a job you earn by acting like an adult for an adult.
I’m not suggesting you give up your childhood. Enjoy every stage of life. Taste the unique flavor it offers. But the fact is, the sooner you learn to fit into the adult world, the better:
- The world just does not make sense to you until you start thinking like an adult, because adults own and operate everything. We make the rules the way we do because we’ve learned that this is what works. And the sooner you learn to think like an adult, the sooner the world will make sense to you.
- You can’t achieve your dreams without establishing them in the adult world. And the sooner you realize this, the sooner you can take advantage of it.
- Adults treat other adults with more respect and freedom because we’ve all been through the growing up process and recognize that another adult has a basic degree of knowledge and competency we can count on. So to get treated with that respect, you have to act like an adult so other adults know you’re capable of handling it.
- You’re headed that way anyway – you might as well start establishing yourself there so you can be a front runner.
Even if you don’t really care for our culture and methods at this time, that’s the best way of getting inside our systems to make things work for you.
- You may think your wild hair/clothes are cool, but you’re more likely to get hired for a job if you look like an adult, because the adult boss wants someone that he can count on acting like an adult.
- You may not care about finances, current events or other grown up topics, but when you learn about them you get a better idea of how these worlds work and how they affect you.
- You may not want to get a job, but the sooner you start interacting in the workplace with other adults, the better prepared you will be when you get serious about going to work.
You don’t have to give up what’s meaningful for you as a teenager. Just understand you have to function on adult terms to get things done in the adult world. And everything you learn in the process is 100% applicable to the next stage of development you’ll be taking, so it’s worth the effort.
There’s a time to grow up.