How to tell if a girl/guy is interested…

The dating years are really fun, but equally confusing. One of the most confusing situations is when you try to determine whether or not someone is interested in getting to know you better, or just being polite or passing the time.

Actually, it’s usually confusing because the people involved are confused. Attraction comes in stages. You see something you like and you want to dig a little deeper. If you keep seeing things you like, the attraction grows and vice versa. The guy/girl across from you doesn’t know if she’s interested in you or not, but he/she knows if they want to know more.

Here are a few tricks to put in your toolkit to see if a person is actually interested in getting to know you better or not.

• Obviously, smiling is an easy indicator. No matter what they’re saying, if there’s an honest smile on their faces, they’re interested. Watch out for people who hide sarcastic smiles well, though.
• If they compliment you on something, they’re interested. It’s highly unusual for people to compliment you without having ulterior motives. Yes, you might have a fantastic shirt on, but they’re already aware of that. If they take the time to let you know that, they’re testing the waters – trying to see a little more of you.
• If they agree with you, or if they disagree and laugh, they’re into you. The more talkative, the more interested. If they aren’t, they’ll just “uh-huh” you until you give up.
• If they touch you during conversation, they’re interested. If they don’t they just might be shy or reserved. You can test this by reaching for something near them and watching to see if they let you touch them or if they shrink back when you get too close.
• If you’ve been getting mixed signals, try leaving. Tell them you need to use the bathroom or go get a drink or something. If they’re waiting for you when you get back, they’re probably interested.

Of course, these are just some general suggestions.  Every situation, every person is different, so don’t rely on these authoritatively.  Use your instincts and some common sense.  And always try to leave with a good impression.  You never know when it will come back to you.

 

Being sociable

Being sociable is a critical skill in building relationships in every setting. Making new friends, networking at a business event, blending in at a party – all require a degree of sociability. And frankly, we’ve all been to a social occasion and envied the person who blends effortlessly, becoming the life of the party and walking away with a lasting impression.

To some people it comes naturally; for the more introverted, it can be really difficult sometimes. But in the end, it’s a skill you can cultivate and develop. It’s a balance of standing out and blending in. It’s basically about becoming approachable and not ruining that impression.

Here’s how to get started:

• Smile. People want to be around happy people. Laugh at people’s jokes, keep a smile on and act like you’re excited about being there. It may seem “cool” to be reserved and uninvested, but it makes people hesitant to approach you.
• Initiate conversations. Most people want conversations, but they don’t want to start them. Start with something casual, then gauge how they respond. If you get an unenthusiastic answer, then close it and move along. If they seem ready to talk, keep it up.
• When you’re unfamiliar with the group you’re talking in, ask questions instead of volunteering information.  Most people love to talk about themselves and their ideas. If you have a fair knowledge of current events, you can probe some sample topics until you find one they really respond to.  As a matter of fact, asking questions is the best way to get a conversation going with anyone.
• Introduce people. Make the connections for them and they’ll both appreciate it.
• Give a smile and a nod! When you catch someone’s eye, give them a smile and a nod, even if you don’t follow up on it. When someone walks up to the group you’re talking to, do the same even if you don’t stop talking. When you acknowledge these random encounters, people get the impression that you’re approachable and likable.
• Listen. People like talking about themselves. Don’t interrupt them with “Yes, and I…” interjections. Listen until they’re finished talking and then add your two cents. If you interrupt them, they’re less likely to want to finish the story – and if you hold your comments, you’ve already got your next statement ready to fill the silence. Most importantly, listen and learn a little more about them.
• Ask good questions. People like to elaborate from their strengths. If you don’t know what someone’s talking about, ask them. Encourage them to elaborate. If they have a great time telling you about themselves, they’ll remember you as a fascinating person!
• Don’t be a wallflower. Keep your body language open. Don’t retreat to a corner, cross your arms or sit with your back to the room. If someone walks up to the group, make room for them. You invite more people into the mix and give the impression of friendliness.
• Don’t try to be the life of the party by being outrageous or an entertainer. You may get some attention, but people don’t enjoy one person stealing all the thunder. Go ahead and be funny or fascinating, but give other people the chance to do so as well. And whatever you do, don’t try to “out-host” the actual host.
• Don’t criticize. It’s fine to say you don’t like things, but do it gently. While you may think it’s cool to criticize the lame music or bad food, it’s probably going to offend someone slightly – the guy who thought the food was OK or the girl who likes the trendy music now thinks that you’re criticizing them.
• Don’t judge people by their looks or company. The nerdy looking guy or girl might be absolutely engaging. And even if they aren’t, you never know when a positive impression will help you. They just might be the brother/sister of someone you really want to know.
• Don’t stay in a little huddle of people. Get around the room and meet new people. And if people approach your group, make room for them.
• Be committed to the gathering. That means stay off your phone, take off your coat, put down your bag, etc. Give the impression that you’re here to enjoy the event and you’re interested in what’s going on here and now. In some situations you do have to hold on to your stuff, but when it’s appropriate, “sit down and stay a spell”.
• If it’s at all appropriate, thank the host before you leave. Thank people you spent a lot of time with for the conversation or whatever’s appropriate. That way you leave with a positive impression.

These are just some general tips, but they’ll take you quite a ways toward being someone that everybody wants to know.

 

Competition drives, cooperation thrives

Competition gets drilled into your head at an early age.  You learn to want to be the best – to win the game, have the neatest toys, the best clothes, the nicest car, the starting position, the highest GPA.

Competition can push you to be better, but working with other people toward a common goal can do the same while being sustaining and nurturing.  The approach you take depends on the people you’re involved with.  If they are determined to compete, you have to learn to not take it personally and give your best too.  If they are willing to cooperate, you can not only improve yourself,  but also improve others and develop yourself as a great leader in the process.

• When studying in school, you can hole up in your room, learn the material and get the best grades. Your parents and teachers will appreciate it, but your peers might not.  What if instead you organized group study projects for the class by which you all learned from each other, encouraged each other to succeed and had a great time in the process?
• As an athlete, you could practice relentlessly at home and become better than anyone on your team. You might attract a scout, but if your team isn’t winning, it will be difficult.  What if instead you organized your friends on the team to have small group practices outside of the regular ones, or joined a gym together?  Not only could you be a better player yourself, you could also have a team that’s more capable of getting you attention and some great friends to boot.
• At work, you might research a project in your spare time and come up with a brilliant solution.  But what if instead you enlisted some co-workers to help you? Not only might you deliver a better solution, but it would have more internal support and you’d be recognized for your leadership skills as well as your expertise.  Leadership is more likely to move you up than a particular point of expertise.

There are times for competition – particularly when your peers are not inclined to cooperate.  But when you can make it work, it’s amazing.

 

Marriage

Choosing to get married is a big step in your life, and almost invariably it’s one you underestimate.

Marriage seems so simple as a young person – you find the “right person”, fall in love, get married and everyone lives happily ever after. Well, it sort of works that way chronologically, but it’s a very naive view of the relationship.

Marriage is not about love, it’s about commitment.  It’s about two people determining that they are going to stay together, stay in love and stay committed to the relationship, despite the fact that they are two individuals whose preferences, goals, habits, appearance, finances and other commitments will change over time.  They have to be willing and able to make compromises and deal with human growth over time in order to hold things together.

Look at the person you are considering getting married to.  That person will be a different person in 5 years.  And a different one in 10 years.  And a very different one in 50 years.  You may look at the person you’re dating and honestly claim you could spend your life with this person.  And perhaps you could.  But that person will not be around in 10 years.

And what’s more, you will not be “you” in a few years.  You  may have a gut instead of washboard abs.  Your burning ambition may be replaced with a desire to sit on the sofa and watch sports all day.  You may acquire a dehabilitating disease and have to be attended like a baby.

And since marriage requires both parties to commit and compromise, you have to make the decision about your potential partner, too.  While you’re wondering if you’d love your potential when her figure is gone, you need to wonder as well if she will love you when you’re no longer a young Adonis.

“What’s so difficult about marriage?” 

• If either party is not committed, it falls apart.  One person can’t hold a marriage together. You both have to be working toward staying together.
• After the “honeymoon period”, people start to relax.  That’s good on a lot of levels, but if you begin to take the relationship for granted, trouble follows.  Imagine being offered a job for life – one from which you could never get fired.  Some people will rest on that security and do a great job free from the pressure.  Others would get really lazy and do nothing at all.  People in a relationship can be like that also.
• Marriage means you share everything.  Where your money goes, what your house looks like, who your friends are,  what you do for fun, etc.  Everything is a team decision.  If you don’t agree, conflict arises.
• Marriage means you’re together a lot.  For a long time. After a while, even endearing quirks can quickly become annoying.  Have you ever spend an extended period with your best friend and found they just annoyed you to death?  Think about being there for the rest of your life.
• You can’t “go home” at the end of the day and get a break from your partner. When you start an argument, you’re there until you finish.  If you try to get a break by going home to your parents or off with the guys, you just amplified the problem you’ll have to deal with when you return.
• Men and women are wired differently.  All the communication problems you had when dating are amplified times ten until you begin to understand how each other’s feelings work.  And you never completely figure it out.

On any given day, you’re going to disagree on things like this – You want to go to the game this weekend, your spouse wants to go shopping. You want to go to “your church”, they want to go to “theirs” or stay home.  You want the house neat, they don’t care.  They want a new car, you want to save money and fix the old one. You both want to live close to your families, but they live on opposite sides of the country.  Your boss wants you to spend extra time at work, they want you home for dinner. You think it’s their turn to change the baby, they think it’s yours.  Any one of these difficulties is a source of tension.  Now imagine dealing with all of them, every  day, for 50 years.

That is what makes marriage difficult.  It’s not being able to deal with a single point of conflict successfully.  It’s about dealing with many points, on all fronts, every day, no breaks for the rest of your lives.

“Why does it have to be for a lifetime?”

Sure, in modern days the lifetime commitment doesn’t get as much respect. People take on a marriage just like they used to take on dating relationships – if it doesn’t work out, we’ll separate and  find someone else.  It’s true that you can work it out legally pretty easily, but there are consequences:

• Rarely does it end well.  You tend to kill your relationship and often the split becomes hostile.  You can expect to lose a lot of money, a lot of time and a lot of respect from groups of people.  If you’re a guy, you can expect to be paying a second set of bills that you don’t gain any benefit from for the rest of your life as well.
• If you’ve been together long, you tend to lose your friends.  Either they take sides and resent you, or you have no place as a single with all the couples you spent time with.
• If your relationship gained you a job, a position, a certain standing in the community you may be in danger of losing them by the same association.
• Despite being common, there’s still a stigma that will carry into your next relationship.  No matter your reasons, you have the spectre of “couldn’t make it work” over you.  Future partners will hesitate.  Although you explain all the details, somewhere in their heads a little voice is saying “what did they do to ruin it?”
• If you have children, you disrupt their lives and their psyche severely by divorcing.  They will wonder if it was their fault, no matter how you work to assure them.  You will also now only have the joy of your life for a limited time, and competition between your former spouse and any new people that come into your lives will be heated.
• When you get back on the dating market, you will not be who you were.  You will be older, lack confidence, lack rapport, tend to turn people off by discussing your past relationships and probably look a lot worse than you did.

“So how do you know if this person is the right one?”

First, understand that there’s not a mythical “one person for you” out there.  Likely there are quite a few compatible people that you could be happy in marriage with.   The “right” person is the person you happen to connect with that has qualities that can hold a marriage together.

First of all, understand why you are considering this person.  What qualities do they have that draw you?  Are they temporal factors that may not be around in a few years like popularity, physical attractiveness, wealth?  Or long lasting characteristics like kindness, trust, cheerfulness?  And why does your significant other consider you?  For lasting traits or temporary ones?

Every person has to make their own decision about what’s valuable in a mate.  Here’s what I think is worth looking for:

• Trust.  If you’ve spent a lot of your relationship assuming the other is not trustworthy, or vice-versa, it’s not a good choice.
• Commitment.  Does this person keep their other commitments in life, or blow off the ones they lose interest in?  If you do not commit yourself daily to building trust, love, respect with your mate, the marriage will fail.
• Friendship.  You will be friends much more of the time than lovers.  If you don’t feel as comfortable with this person as you do your best friends, they’re not a good choice.  You’ve got to be able to get through hard times, share disappointments and kill a day with nothing to do.
• Kindness.  You’re going to need a lot of it in life.  If this person is unkind to people who can’t do anything for them, they’re a bad choice.
• Support.  You’ll need even more of this.  If this person doesn’t stand behind you in smaller matters, they  certainly won’t in larger ones.
• Communicative.  Communication will be one of your biggest problems in marriage.  The more easily you communicate, the better chances you’ll have.
• Similar degree of intelligence. Einsteins and dumb jocks/ditsy princesses don’t get along in the long run.  You have trouble with conversation, goals and standards.
• Similar goals.  If you want to be President and they want to be a welfare case, you’re not going to make it.
• Humor.  Bad times will come. You’re going to need help getting through them and get used to making light of the heavy.
• Equals.  If you find yourself constantly thinking that you’re really out of their league or vice-versa, don’t try it. It will lead to inequities in the relationship that will cause you trouble all your life.  If you feel like you/they “got lucky”, you/they probably did, and luck doesn’t last.

Two items I didn’t include are physical attraction and common interests.  I didn’t ignore them because they don’t matter, but because if you’re at a point of considering marriage, you’ve already got those things taken care of.

“Why get married?”

There are lots of good reasons:

• Unconditional love, stability and support.  You can’t buy this kind of emotional strength.
• The opportunity to share yourself completely. Your spouse is likely to be the only person that understands you thoroughly – maybe better than you understand yourself.
• Confidence.  Knowing you have someone who supports you no matter what is an amazing confidence boost. It can literally make a man out of a mouse overnight.
• Family.  A solid family unit is the only place children work well.  It’s the best chance of having support in your old age as well.  And the time invested in these relationships will last longer than any others you form.
• Lower cost of living.  It’s practical, but true.

There are also bad reasons:

• Thinking you are getting too old.  Rushing into a commitment that isn’t right is recipe for disaster. Take the time and find someone you can build a lifetime with. One year with the right person  is better than 50 with someone you hate.
• All your friends are.  Marrying to keep up with the Joneses or to stay in a social circle is again, recipe for disaster.
• In love with the idea of marriage.  Marriage will not make everything OK in your life.  If it’s the wrong choice, it will just amplify the problems.
• To help me grow up. Marriage you are unprepared for will make you grow up, but not in the way you plan.
• Fear of losing someone. If they’re the right one, they will wait.  If not, you’ll just enter into a more difficult relationship.

Marriage can be the most rewarding relationship you’ve ever expected.  It can also be a living nightmare.

Think.  Make the right choice.

 

Valentine’s Gifts

A bit of completely opinionated advice for Valentine’s Day, and the required traditions and demands.

First, advice for your junior high and high school years. Your relationship is not as sophisticated and it’s mainly an exercise in keeping up with the Joneses.

• The best valentine’s gift for a girl is something better than what her friends got. Be sneaky and find out what the other guys are giving her friends, then give something just a little bit more. Remember that “gift” encompasses everything they get, including dinner, flowers, a gift, goodies that pep clubs sell around the holidays, etc. If all the guys are giving a rose and a necklace, give the rose, the necklace and the goody that the pep club sells. You don’t really have to go miles above the standard, just a little bit. Your parents will tell you this is not the way to go, and may lecture you about materialism, but this is the way to shine in that special girl’s eyes.
• The best valentine’s gift for a guy is anything not girly. I know some girls think it’s cute to give a guy a rose or a Valentine’s sweater or jewelry or something like that. Unless all the other guys have one, your guy doesn’t want it. Guys will shuffle these things off and hide them in the interest of defending their manhood and your feelings will be hurt. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate sentiment, but he doesn’t want to live with the ribbing he will get from other guys. Give a guy a guy gift. Something he’s interested in, not you.

Eventually you grow up into slightly more mature relationships and maybe even get married. In this scenario:

• The best Valentine’s gift for a girl is something she doesn’t need. This includes anything grossly impractical like flowers, candy, incidental jewelry, anything that pampers her. The single exception to this is when you’re both short of funds and you buy something she needs that you can’t afford. You can get some kudos for this, but don’t lean on it more than once or twice. Also, anything you can both use gets less appreciation. A lot of guys rely on the “special dinner out” at a really nice restaurant. This is a good side gift to go along with another bauble, but don’t let it be the only offering. Since you’re eating the meal too, it’s not really a gift for her. Something you would have bought her anyway, or something you will use as much as she is a definite trip to the doghouse.
• The best Valentine’s gift for a guy is to let him get away with something. The golf weekend with his buddies. The extended hunting trip with his buddies. The road trip with his buddies. Letting him buy something for himself you’d normally complain about.

Wait, you say. I completely skipped the college-era state of mature, but not quite that mature relationships. Those are sticky years.

• The best Valentine’s gift for a girl is tricky. You want to go with the high school era mentality of equalling her friends, but you now can work sensitivity into the mix. You will get more bonus points for something that shows you understand her or are willing to commit to her. Background stories get really important here. If you had a special evening together at a show, maybe get something related to the show and tell her why it’s related to the show and how it reminds you of her. Or if she has a secret desire to paint, or write poetry, or work on car engines or whatever, give something that supports that secret desire. If you think you might be getting serious with her, give something that demonstrates commitment. Like a pet you both take care of (be really careful of this, though – it doesn’t need to be something that will be a chore). Season tickets together if she’s a sports fan. Anything that shows you plan to be around with her. This gets gazonga bonus points.
• The best Valentine’s gift for a guy is not that tricky. Anything he likes is good. Anything you’d like him to like is bad. Signs of commitment are bad unless he’s the one pushing for it. And if your relationship is already serious to the point that you determine what he does sometimes, letting him get away with something is good.

So there’s my completely stereotypical, completely opinionated take.

But it works.

 

The Company You Keep

When you think of a scientific genius, you tend to imagine an eccentric recluse, with poor communication skills hopelessly lost in jargon, toiling away alone in a lightless cell of their own choosing. Forever cursed to have no intellectual equal, living a lonely existance in search of his point of focus. You couldn’t be farther from the truth.

The fact is, true geniuses tend to congregate, collaborate and intertwine. Newton stated that if he had achieved anything, he had done so “standing on the shoulders of giants”. The great Einstein worked closely with physicist Max Planck and calculus whiz-kids David Hilbert and Tullio Levi-Civita when developing his theory of general relativity. Darwin read Lyell during his Galapagos journey.

The truth is, great minds are drawn to each other and use each other as resources.

The same should hold true for you.

If you find yourself to be outstanding in your chosen pursuit, sometimes you’re tempted to let ego come into play and cause you to see contemporaries as competitors. Take a lesson from the real geniuses and feed off the talents of others. Surround yourself with talented and knowledgeable people. Seek to convince others to work in tandem, not in opposition. Think of all the things you can learn from each other. What you can accomplish together.

Don’t worry about your reputation being lessened because you were helped. People pay attention to winners and achievers – it doesn’t matter if you had help or not. Share the load and get to the goal more quickly. Teamwork and leadership are skills that will be applauded your whole life.

Mind the company you keep.

 

Avoid the small talk

Sometimes I wonder if grown-ups are quite as smart as they think they are.

When we took you to preschool for the first time and you got over your “I’m not sure I want to be here” jitters, the first thing you did was head for the nearest classmate and start asking questions.

• “What’s your name?”
• “Do you like Spiderman?”
• “I saw Star Wars!”

Draw that in stark contrast with your parents, who while friendly, have a completely different approach:

• “So the early drop off time is 6:30? ” (We’re rarely out of bed by this time)
• “Nice weather, huh?” (It’s 68 and sunny… really insightful dialogue)
• “What’s the menu like?” (As if you’d eat anything besides chicken nuggets anyway…)

The difference, of course, is that the child is having meaningful dialogue, collecting necessary information, determining compatability, forging partnerships. The parents are trying to appear friendly and looking for the exit. We’re doing “small talk”.

Where do we learn to start shutting potential relationships out of our lives with barriers of sports scores, meteorology and anectotes? We so crave human contact, yet avoid it for fear of finding the wrong human to contact. We would live and die by our friends, but do so little to make more of them. It seems we almost have to be forced into our closest relationships. Neighbors. Soldiers in foxholes. Teammates. Coworkers. Fellow students. We endure people uncomfortably until circumstance forces us to have something in common to discuss.

Be the mold-breaker. Avoid the small talk. Learn something about the people around you. Ask their names. Understand their interests. Learn their habits. Share their dreams.

Of course it’s a big world, and it’s not practical to know everyone. And frankly, you don’t need to know some of them. But you can know the people that you’re around regularly and feel safe with. You can share facts about yourself without sharing contact information or where you live or anything else that might be a safety concern. You can avoid limiting yourself to a couple of friends. You can talk to the others in line for tickets, or a table away at a restaurant, or in the foyer of a church.

A great exercise is to challenge yourself to learn one thing about a person you spend time around that you couldn’t determine just by looking at them. Maybe it’s their opinion, or some history, or some skill. Compliments work well if you can convince a stranger you have no ulterior motive.

At worst, you might make life a bit more bearable for a few minutes. At best, you might find a new best friend. And if you get in the habit young, you’ll be an expert networker before you know it. The old adage “it’s not what you know, but who you know” was never more applicable. You can get a real head start on life by knowing the right people.

Let the masses waste their times holed up in their little barriers. Get to know people.