Lie Detectors, part 2

Previously I discussed some physical signs to follow to help you determine when someone is lying. However, these methods don’t really serve you against someone who can overcome their conscience, who has a really well rehearsed and tested lie or who is outright sociopathic. Particularly when you enter the world of business you will encounter people who make it their living to misrepresent themselves or their products and have become very accomplished at concealing the truth. And worst of all, people who simply don’t understand their position well enough to discuss it authoritatively.

Fortunately, there’s a solid train of thought you can follow to see through many of these deceptions, in the form of questions. You can either ask these outright (for example, when confronting a salesman or someone in a business setting where it’s socially acceptable to be a hard skeptic) or work them out in your own mind in your decision making process.

The first lie detecting question is “how do you know what you know?” Is is speculation or fact? And are their authorities someone you trust?

• “This project will take 6 weeks and cost $100,000″. How do they know this? Can I see the budget? What else might be involved that they haven’t accounted for?
• “We have the #1 product on the market” Whose opinion is this? Has there been a formal survey and who was the authority?
• “Studies reveal…” Whose studies? Who ran them and why? Were they commissioned by people who have a vested interest in the company? Especially watch out for this one in magazine articles and whitepapers – it’s very easy to skew results or take them out of context

The second question is about determining the counter argument. Every issue has more than one side, and anyone who’s researched their position will understand what the counter argument is.

• “What’s the counter argument?” In some situations, you can just ask this outright.
• “What are your biggest concerns and how will you address them?” Have they actually thought it through thoroughly.
• What would convince you to have a different opinion?” This helps to drill down to how well they actually know their position.

The third is “can I have more time to consider this?” Taking time to research it yourself is always a proper response and it protects you from the con artists who try to convince you that you have to act quickly in the hopes that you won’t notice the faults in your haste.

The fourth is “can you simplify the position?” Inflated languag, jargon and obfuscation are common tools to intimidate you – the bet is that you’ll be too proud to admit you don’t understand what you’re talking about. If you don’t understand something that’s said, ask for it to be explained in simpler terms. And you can tear a sales pitch down to meaningful conversation with a few comments like “by inherent redundancy, do you mean your product has a backup power supply? And if so, can you speak plainly next time?”

And finally, ask about the things you take for granted, particularly with salesmen. Don’t assume that you know what their definition of “extended warranty” means. Don’t assume the product comes with necessary peripherals. Don’t assume the business follows standard credit terms. Plenty of people rely on your faulty assumptions to make the sale. Ask.

Of course, no line of questioning is foolproof, but with a little common sense you can work to prevent the professional liars out there from taking advantage of you.

 

Too many things

I have too many things.  Most people in America do.   Vast amounts of things.  Just looking around my room, I see three computers, fifteen guitars, two amplifiers and various piles of music gear, a cupboard and desk with more office supplies than I will use in a year, a scanner I haven’t used in months, a printer, a fax, a television and a game console.  There are two crates of action figures in the cupboard and a desk full of craft related items.  There’s a rack of magazines I haven’t read in months and a display with 12 baseball hats on it. Aside from these goodies, every available shelf, drawer, nook and cranny are filled with decorative items of one sort or another in an effort to make sure no space sits empty.  And this is my workspace, supposedly optimized to remove distractions and get work done.

Things weren’t always this way. In my parents’ day, things were a little more rare, and thus a little more valuable.  There was one television in the house, where there are four in mine (and would have been five, had I not loaned one out).  In my parents’ house, we had tiny closets that still managed to hold our wardrobes, toys, vacuum cleaners, sports equipment, etc. My bedroom has two walk in closets and several dressers and chests, and had I not had a recent Salvation Army purging, would have been stuffed to the degree that I couldn’t find anything.   I thought I had an admirable toy collection in my childhood, but both of yours dwarf it by a factor of ten or more.  You’ve both had toys passed along to charity that were still new, simply because you didn’t have time to get to them before you outgrew them.

I know why it’s happened.  When your mother and I were young, we didn’t have a lot of money.  Material things seemed so valuable and desirable.  So when we gained money, we gained lots of things.  Having the power to accumulate all the things we desired and couldn’t have when we were younger was just intoxicating.

But as I get older, more and more I’m seeing these things as more of a burden than a joy:

• When I had one nice suit, I kept it immaculate.  Now that I have several, some of them have problems – a missing button, a determined stain.  But they haven’t been taken care of because I can just pick up another suit from the closet.
• When I had one guitar, I kept it in great condition – truly showcase quality.  With a multitude of them, I just don’t have time to keep them all sparkly.  Some are out of tune.  Several need string changes.  They all need dusting.  But who’s got a whole day to dedicate to keeping them up?  And in the end, I can only play one at a time.
• I used to adore action figures, so I collected them.  Recently I packed them all up because they were so problematic.  I was so busy keeping dust off, re-attaching accessories, finding display options that I wasn’t taking any time to enjoy them.
• Once upon a time, I could quote every lyric from every album I owned – I knew them intimately.  My collection is so large now, I’ve got a lot of albums I haven’t even heard, just taking up space.

I’m trying to turn this situation around for you, but not having a lot of luck thanks to doting grandparents and current culture’s burning need to keep putting things in your hands.  So this is a situation where I’m going to have to beg you to listen to my words instead of my example

What you don’t understand when you start to accumulate things is that the value in them is not the retail price or the volume, but the value you derive from them.  A new car in your driveway is worth a few days of pride and indulgence, and after the new wears off, the same value that your old car provided – a ride from here to there.

And worse than that, the accumulation of things becomes a burden in maintaining those things.  A big house full  of nice things takes a lot of work to keep up – time and resources that could be spent enjoying life instead of serving your possessions.  And if you decide to hire out the maintenance of your things, then you have to spend more time at work to earn money to do this – more time away from living life.

I can think of lots of things I bought that I would hesitate to buy again:

• A big house.  I really thought we needed this much room, but as it turns out, we gravitate toward the same small spaces and a lot of rooms are just repositories and museums for nice things.
• An expensive engagement ring.  This is a hard choice, because a lot of a girl’s ego is tied up in this little purchase.  But when you think of it, you spend several thousand dollars on a rock – and probably one that abused a generation of poor people to produce.
• Flashy clothes, cars and other status symbols.  As soon as a peer gets one, or the first time it stains or dents, it’s just another piece of junk.
• Toys, guitars, electronics and other distractions.  I really don’t know that they were worth what was put into them.  I don’t regret my passion and involvement with guitars, but I wish that several impulse purchases that turned out to be junk had never happened.

Why is America like this?  Because the people who sell you stuff are really good at it.  They research you, categorize you and send you messages designed to get you to pull out your wallet across every available medium.  We consume radio/tv/internet stuffed full of advertising. We get our food in carefully planned packaging designed to enhance its attractiveness.  Where once my GI Joes were loosely stuffed in a cardboard box, your toys today are bound in exciting positions with hundreds of attachments – even the dolls’ hair is sewn in place lest one shake of the box make it look less attractive.  We pay a premium for designer logos – they actually have us brainwashed to the point where we pay the manufacturer more for the privilege of  promoting their products for us.

It’s not easy to defeat this kind of onslaught.  But one thing I do these days when faced with a purchase is ask myself “Is this going to make my life better?”  Am I buying something out of need, or desire?  Will it make my life happier, or is it just one more thing to add to the collection.  And because I’m a bargain hunter, I remind myself that an object I won’t use is not a bargain, even if I got it at a significant discount.

It’s working so far.  And I hope it works better for you in the end.

 

How to give a motivating speech

It’s very likely that at one time or another, you’ll be called to make a speech before an audience.  Daunting as it may seem, the ability to give a good speech is within anyone’s grasp, given that they’re willing to put in the effort necessary.  It just takes some confidence, a strong grip on the fundamentals and something that people want to hear!

Preparation

•  When given a choice, pick a good topic.  The best way to give a memorable speech is to say something that people are interested in hearing.   Current events and concerns make the message real and applicable, and in so doing, demand attention.  Talk about what’s on the front page, what’s in the media and take advantage of the zeitgeist.
• If you’re assigned a topic that you don’t feel is interesting to your audience, look for common themes that touch everyone – basic interests like love, aspirations, security, friendship.  When crafting your speech, build it around themes that hold people’s interest to connect them to the topic.  So, when tasked to give a speech about the GNP of Haiti, turn it into a story about a typical family’s struggle for survival instead of a stack of charts.
• Tell a story.  People get interested in stories, and often you can guide them through the points you want to make in order to reveal the rest of the story.  Avoid the classic “begin the story, interject the speech, finish the story” formula – it’s so well used that people learn to tune the middle out.  Thread your story all the way through your speech.  If it’s a report, find the story behind the facts.  If it’s a how-to, make it a story about someone learning how-to.
• Craft your speech to draw attention.  Don’t just give them a bulleted list.  People have been trained by movies and TV to gravitate through some common storylines and approaches:
  • The “hero’s journey” – a classic coming of age story
  • David vs Goliath – when the underdog wins
  • Challenging assumptions – putting a twist in the plot to deliver an unexpected conclusion
  • Personalities – presenting the development of a character

  Draw some inspiration from a favorite movie or show and see how your speech could progress along those lines.

• Keep it simple.  If you can’t condense the premise into a sentence, it’s not simple enough.
• Get the words down pat.  Know your speech.  Study it so well you don’t need your notes – then you won’t need them nearly as much when nervousness kicks in.
• Practice it aloud.  Get the words familiar to your lips so you don’t stumble.  Time yourself and know about how fast you have to talk in order to deliver it in the proper timeframe.
• Practice it standing.  If you know you’ll have a podium, practice with a similar substitute.  This solidifies your confidence.  If you’ve already worked all the quirks of your body – how you will stand, gesture, when you will pause, look at notes, etc. you will feel much more familiar with the room at go time.
• Eliminate “uuhs”, “wells” and similar pause expressions.  They’re terribly distracting.
• Make notes.  Don’t try to read your whole speech.  Put together a basic outline to remind you of your direction and use it.
• If your speech requires a question & answer period, go ahead and line up some expected questions and answers.  Also, think of some sources that you can pass along in case of an unexpected question.  For example: “That’s a very good question and a good answer would be a little more in-depth than we have time for here today.  I’d suggest reading…”.

Delivery

• Speak confidently.  You know your subject, now deliver it.  Don’t hesitate.  If people feel like you doubt yourself, they won’t believe in you.
• Speak naturally.  Don’t try to adopt an orator’s voice or exaggerated gestures.  People recognize phony behavior – just speak as you would in any situation.
• Use your notes.  Don’t try to pretend they aren’t there.  Mark your current place whenever it’s convenient with something so that if you get lost, you have a reference point.
• Show enthusiasm.  Your audience will never have greater enthusiasm than you…
• Find faces in the audience for feedback.  Find someone who is attentive, then use their expressions to gauge your effectiveness.  If they show confusion, take a bit of time to better explain the point.  Don’t get lost chasing loose ends, but if you can offer a quick example or a descriptive sentence, it’s worth it to get your message across.
• If you’re asked a question you don’t know, admit it and provide an opportunity to return the answer to them later.

Feedback

• Record the speech if possible.  Learn from your mistakes for the next opportunity
• Speak with the audience if possible.  Find out how much they understood and what impact it had.

The best teacher is experience, so my best advice is to take advantage of every opportunity to speak and refine your skills.

 

How to tell if a girl/guy is interested…

The dating years are really fun, but equally confusing. One of the most confusing situations is when you try to determine whether or not someone is interested in getting to know you better, or just being polite or passing the time.

Actually, it’s usually confusing because the people involved are confused. Attraction comes in stages. You see something you like and you want to dig a little deeper. If you keep seeing things you like, the attraction grows and vice versa. The guy/girl across from you doesn’t know if she’s interested in you or not, but he/she knows if they want to know more.

Here are a few tricks to put in your toolkit to see if a person is actually interested in getting to know you better or not.

• Obviously, smiling is an easy indicator. No matter what they’re saying, if there’s an honest smile on their faces, they’re interested. Watch out for people who hide sarcastic smiles well, though.
• If they compliment you on something, they’re interested. It’s highly unusual for people to compliment you without having ulterior motives. Yes, you might have a fantastic shirt on, but they’re already aware of that. If they take the time to let you know that, they’re testing the waters – trying to see a little more of you.
• If they agree with you, or if they disagree and laugh, they’re into you. The more talkative, the more interested. If they aren’t, they’ll just “uh-huh” you until you give up.
• If they touch you during conversation, they’re interested. If they don’t they just might be shy or reserved. You can test this by reaching for something near them and watching to see if they let you touch them or if they shrink back when you get too close.
• If you’ve been getting mixed signals, try leaving. Tell them you need to use the bathroom or go get a drink or something. If they’re waiting for you when you get back, they’re probably interested.

Of course, these are just some general suggestions.  Every situation, every person is different, so don’t rely on these authoritatively.  Use your instincts and some common sense.  And always try to leave with a good impression.  You never know when it will come back to you.

 

Being sociable

Being sociable is a critical skill in building relationships in every setting. Making new friends, networking at a business event, blending in at a party – all require a degree of sociability. And frankly, we’ve all been to a social occasion and envied the person who blends effortlessly, becoming the life of the party and walking away with a lasting impression.

To some people it comes naturally; for the more introverted, it can be really difficult sometimes. But in the end, it’s a skill you can cultivate and develop. It’s a balance of standing out and blending in. It’s basically about becoming approachable and not ruining that impression.

Here’s how to get started:

• Smile. People want to be around happy people. Laugh at people’s jokes, keep a smile on and act like you’re excited about being there. It may seem “cool” to be reserved and uninvested, but it makes people hesitant to approach you.
• Initiate conversations. Most people want conversations, but they don’t want to start them. Start with something casual, then gauge how they respond. If you get an unenthusiastic answer, then close it and move along. If they seem ready to talk, keep it up.
• When you’re unfamiliar with the group you’re talking in, ask questions instead of volunteering information.  Most people love to talk about themselves and their ideas. If you have a fair knowledge of current events, you can probe some sample topics until you find one they really respond to.  As a matter of fact, asking questions is the best way to get a conversation going with anyone.
• Introduce people. Make the connections for them and they’ll both appreciate it.
• Give a smile and a nod! When you catch someone’s eye, give them a smile and a nod, even if you don’t follow up on it. When someone walks up to the group you’re talking to, do the same even if you don’t stop talking. When you acknowledge these random encounters, people get the impression that you’re approachable and likable.
• Listen. People like talking about themselves. Don’t interrupt them with “Yes, and I…” interjections. Listen until they’re finished talking and then add your two cents. If you interrupt them, they’re less likely to want to finish the story – and if you hold your comments, you’ve already got your next statement ready to fill the silence. Most importantly, listen and learn a little more about them.
• Ask good questions. People like to elaborate from their strengths. If you don’t know what someone’s talking about, ask them. Encourage them to elaborate. If they have a great time telling you about themselves, they’ll remember you as a fascinating person!
• Don’t be a wallflower. Keep your body language open. Don’t retreat to a corner, cross your arms or sit with your back to the room. If someone walks up to the group, make room for them. You invite more people into the mix and give the impression of friendliness.
• Don’t try to be the life of the party by being outrageous or an entertainer. You may get some attention, but people don’t enjoy one person stealing all the thunder. Go ahead and be funny or fascinating, but give other people the chance to do so as well. And whatever you do, don’t try to “out-host” the actual host.
• Don’t criticize. It’s fine to say you don’t like things, but do it gently. While you may think it’s cool to criticize the lame music or bad food, it’s probably going to offend someone slightly – the guy who thought the food was OK or the girl who likes the trendy music now thinks that you’re criticizing them.
• Don’t judge people by their looks or company. The nerdy looking guy or girl might be absolutely engaging. And even if they aren’t, you never know when a positive impression will help you. They just might be the brother/sister of someone you really want to know.
• Don’t stay in a little huddle of people. Get around the room and meet new people. And if people approach your group, make room for them.
• Be committed to the gathering. That means stay off your phone, take off your coat, put down your bag, etc. Give the impression that you’re here to enjoy the event and you’re interested in what’s going on here and now. In some situations you do have to hold on to your stuff, but when it’s appropriate, “sit down and stay a spell”.
• If it’s at all appropriate, thank the host before you leave. Thank people you spent a lot of time with for the conversation or whatever’s appropriate. That way you leave with a positive impression.

These are just some general tips, but they’ll take you quite a ways toward being someone that everybody wants to know.

 

Handling Complainers

At some point in your life, you’re likely to be associated with someone who always sees the glass as half empty.  You know the type – no matter what’s going on, they always have a sad story to bring you.  Every update on their lives is a chronicle of misery.

It’s difficult to maintain these relationships when you’re a positive person.  But sometimes the option isn’t there to cease the relationship.  Maybe it’s a coworker, or a family member.  Maybe it’s an employee at your favorite store.  Maybe it’s a friend of a friend that you just can’t stay disconnected from.

There is an easy way to deal with this sort of person.  But first, let me tell you how NOT to deal with them:

• Trying to cheer them up rarely works.  “Oh, it’s not so bad” tells this person that you don’t take their troubles seriously.  The usual result is that they work harder to make you understand how bad things are.
• Trying to solve their problems rarely works.  They’re convinced that their problems are significant and no off-the-cuff suggestions from you are going to work.
• Telling them to get their act together rarely works.  Now they have a distaste for you on top of their problems. It just ends up making you look bad to them.
• Complaining about the complainers to others doesn’t work.  Guess what – now you’re a complainer!
• Ignoring them rarely works.  If you brush them off, they either resent you or work harder to convince you of their problems.
• Complaining with them doesn’t work.  It usually comes across as a challenge to them.  They will work harder than ever to convince you that their lot in life is much sorrier than yours.

The fact is, these people aren’t seeking solutions, they’re seeking compassion.  They want validation and support.  So the best way to handle them is to give them a little.

“I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this.”  That’s it.  Don’t give any more.  Just let them know that you hear them and you wish they weren’t feeling like this.

Notice that you’re not adding to the problem by acknowledging that their problems are serious. Notice that you’re not criticizing them or demeaning their situation.  And notice that you’re not offering to hear more about it or get dragged into it further. Even if you think they’re just being a big crybaby or over-inflating their situation, you haven’t misrepresented yourself.  You haven’t agreed to join them in their pity party.  You haven’t validated their problems. You’ve simply said that you care.

This doesn’t always make the complaining go away, but it does take you out of the cycle of escalating complaints.  It also leaves the person with a good impression of you and creates some goodwill.

 

Be on time

Since my earliest years, I’ve always considered it to be essential to be on-time or early for every appointment, meeting and event I’ve been involved with.  Situations do crop up that prevent that occasionally, but I’ve always felt being early was to my advantage in several ways:

• I don’t have the most effective sense of direction, so it’s easy for me to get lost. Going early gives me the chance to navigate any missteps in the journey, particularly to unfamiliar places.  Although most times I ended up waiting on others, it was worth it for the times I got lost and had breathing room to backtrack or ask directions.
• Getting there early always gave me a few minutes to assess the situation, make a bathroom visit, straighten my clothes, relax and settle in before a meeting.  That brought me to the table more calmly.  In job interviews and client meetings, I usually had some time to look over an annual report or develop a rapport with the front desk people.  As a matter of fact, I refused more than one job offer just because of the activity I noticed while waiting for my interview.
• Being there early builds a reputation for you.  People see you as someone they can count on.  Someone who values their time and is conscientious about their commitments. Someone who can be trusted with responsibilities because they’re committed to the people they’re meeting or the cause they’re involved in.
• Conversely, being late gets you a reputation as well. People see you at best over committed, at worst, uninterested.  Someone who does not value their time and who is just “fitting them in” where it’s convenient.

At one point, I reversed this habit and spent a lot of my time showing up late for my commitments.  Lessons learned:

• I thought showing up late to meetings at work might give the impression that I was staying busy doing important things.  What actually happened is that everyone else involved (who also considered themselves busy and involved) simply saw that I couldn’t manage time or didn’t consider the meeting important.  And when I paid attention, I realized that I thought the same thing about people who came  in later than me.
• In my more introverted days I would show up late for social occasions to avoid small talk.  I realized after a while how much of the conversations I was missing and how many opportunities to network I let fall.  So by coming late, I just increased the difficulty of getting socially involved with new people.

Manage your time well enough to meet your commitments on time.  Don’t fall for tricks like setting your watch forward – that just encourages a lack of self discipline and you don’t get the internal rewards of meeting your own commitments.  Set your mind to it and do it.

It’s a skill that will set you apart – positively.

 

Forgetting a name

Remembering a person’s name is one of the most empowering skills to have in relationship building.  People appreciate it when you remember them.  It bolsters their ego and edges them toward thinking “this person really values and appreciates me”.

But some of us are just not good with names.  They slip through the cracks.  We have a chance meeting we don’t expect to repeat and thus we don’t commit them to memory.  Or maybe it’s an occasion where you met dozens of people in the same setting and you just don’t have a mental anchor to hang them on.

There are a few dodges to try when you’re face to face with someone you should know that you can use to reveal their name without losing face:

• If it’s an informal relationship, you can always use a colloquialism – whatever’s popular at the time.  “Dude, it’s good to see you again!”  “Hey man!”  “How are you doing, buddy?”.  It doesn’t get you the name, but it keeps you from outright having to ask the name.
• Introduce yourself.  This more or less admits that you’re at a loss, but it isn’t as obvious as “Do I know you…”.  In business settings, I just made it a practice of always shaking hands and saying “Bill Reid”.  If it’s someone I should have known, they will often say “Oh, I know you from…”  And I’d claim momentary stupidity by saying “I know – At these conventions I just get so used to introducing myself at every handshake.”
• In a business setting, you can say “Hey – before I forget, I’ve been meaning to get your business card in my file”.  Hopefully they have one on hand and you can take a quick look.
• If you’re lucky enough to be in a group, you can introduce someone in your party and wait for them to shake hands and announce their name

Of course the best solution is to remember those names up front.  But when memory fails you, these dodges can sometimes save you a bit of embarrassment.

 

Negative thinking

Negative thinking is likely the most damaging thing a person can do to themselves. It has a way of creeping into your thoughts unchecked and making house there. It’s reinforced by popular media. And it’s easy to get on the bandwagon when it’s flaunted by a friend. And it systematically limits your potential and your mental health.

I want to give you some examples of negative thinking and suggest some paths to replacing it with something more positive.

I will be happy when _____

Whether you’re waiting to get out of school, get in a relationship, acquire an amount of money or getting past a problem situation, the result is the same. The goal never gets there. If you think a million dollars will make you happy, be assured the figure will become two million when you get closer to the goal. That’s just the way it works. The mystique of the near-unattainable goal is what drives you, not the hard figures. You can be happy right now. Count your blessings, see the positive side of things. Keep pursuing your goals, but understand that happiness is not connected to them, and never will be.

I wish I were as ____ as _____

Maybe you want to be as attractive/ talented/ wealthy/ popular as a particular peer or celebrity. The truth is, there’s always someone better out there. If you get to a point where you equal your point of comparison, the point of comparison will change. Comparing yourself to others is not a winning proposition. You’ll either never live up to your goals, or you’ll set them too low. The real race is with yourself, learning to be better than you were yesterday and searching for your potential. Comparison points are just mileposts. Work to be a better you.

I can’t do anything right – I’m a failure

Everyone is a failure from a particular point of view. The most successful people fail regularly – but they achieve success because they refuse to let it slow them down. Remember your successes and celebrate them. And understand that when you fail, you’ve simply learned how not to do something and in so doing, made the path to success a little bit clearer.

And keep in mind that everyone thinks like this occasionally. The guy you envy for his sports prowess may be just as jealous of you for your intelligence. The girl you want to be as popular as may envy your stable family life.

Why do bad things always happen to me?

Bad things happen to everyone. It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of life. Everyone has ups and downs. If you’re at a low point, you have to understand that things will get better. If you’re riding high, understand that bad things will eventually come your way. Just make sure it doesn’t hold you back. Keep moving forward and the pain, the hurt, the suffering will eventually pass. Learn from your experience, avoid it next time if you can and grow stronger from the effort. The only losers in life are the ones who quit trying.

I can’t ______

Then you won’t. Simple as that. If you limit yourself in your mind, you won’t ever go beyond that limit. Turn your thinking around and say “I can”. Very, very little is outside the reach of a person who’s motivated to reach a goal. I learned “never say never” when I saw 5′7″ Spud Webb win the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk competition – beating 6′8″ Dominique Wilkins.

Certainly I could go into more depth here.  But the important thing to glean is that negative thinking is an adversary in itself -  just focusing on what you aren’t limits what you can be.

 

Competition drives, cooperation thrives

Competition gets drilled into your head at an early age.  You learn to want to be the best – to win the game, have the neatest toys, the best clothes, the nicest car, the starting position, the highest GPA.

Competition can push you to be better, but working with other people toward a common goal can do the same while being sustaining and nurturing.  The approach you take depends on the people you’re involved with.  If they are determined to compete, you have to learn to not take it personally and give your best too.  If they are willing to cooperate, you can not only improve yourself,  but also improve others and develop yourself as a great leader in the process.

• When studying in school, you can hole up in your room, learn the material and get the best grades. Your parents and teachers will appreciate it, but your peers might not.  What if instead you organized group study projects for the class by which you all learned from each other, encouraged each other to succeed and had a great time in the process?
• As an athlete, you could practice relentlessly at home and become better than anyone on your team. You might attract a scout, but if your team isn’t winning, it will be difficult.  What if instead you organized your friends on the team to have small group practices outside of the regular ones, or joined a gym together?  Not only could you be a better player yourself, you could also have a team that’s more capable of getting you attention and some great friends to boot.
• At work, you might research a project in your spare time and come up with a brilliant solution.  But what if instead you enlisted some co-workers to help you? Not only might you deliver a better solution, but it would have more internal support and you’d be recognized for your leadership skills as well as your expertise.  Leadership is more likely to move you up than a particular point of expertise.

There are times for competition – particularly when your peers are not inclined to cooperate.  But when you can make it work, it’s amazing.