Negative thinking

Negative thinking is likely the most damaging thing a person can do to themselves. It has a way of creeping into your thoughts unchecked and making house there. It’s reinforced by popular media. And it’s easy to get on the bandwagon when it’s flaunted by a friend. And it systematically limits your potential and your mental health.

I want to give you some examples of negative thinking and suggest some paths to replacing it with something more positive.

I will be happy when _____

Whether you’re waiting to get out of school, get in a relationship, acquire an amount of money or getting past a problem situation, the result is the same. The goal never gets there. If you think a million dollars will make you happy, be assured the figure will become two million when you get closer to the goal. That’s just the way it works. The mystique of the near-unattainable goal is what drives you, not the hard figures. You can be happy right now. Count your blessings, see the positive side of things. Keep pursuing your goals, but understand that happiness is not connected to them, and never will be.

I wish I were as ____ as _____

Maybe you want to be as attractive/ talented/ wealthy/ popular as a particular peer or celebrity. The truth is, there’s always someone better out there. If you get to a point where you equal your point of comparison, the point of comparison will change. Comparing yourself to others is not a winning proposition. You’ll either never live up to your goals, or you’ll set them too low. The real race is with yourself, learning to be better than you were yesterday and searching for your potential. Comparison points are just mileposts. Work to be a better you.

I can’t do anything right – I’m a failure

Everyone is a failure from a particular point of view. The most successful people fail regularly – but they achieve success because they refuse to let it slow them down. Remember your successes and celebrate them. And understand that when you fail, you’ve simply learned how not to do something and in so doing, made the path to success a little bit clearer.

And keep in mind that everyone thinks like this occasionally. The guy you envy for his sports prowess may be just as jealous of you for your intelligence. The girl you want to be as popular as may envy your stable family life.

Why do bad things always happen to me?

Bad things happen to everyone. It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of life. Everyone has ups and downs. If you’re at a low point, you have to understand that things will get better. If you’re riding high, understand that bad things will eventually come your way. Just make sure it doesn’t hold you back. Keep moving forward and the pain, the hurt, the suffering will eventually pass. Learn from your experience, avoid it next time if you can and grow stronger from the effort. The only losers in life are the ones who quit trying.

I can’t ______

Then you won’t. Simple as that. If you limit yourself in your mind, you won’t ever go beyond that limit. Turn your thinking around and say “I can”. Very, very little is outside the reach of a person who’s motivated to reach a goal. I learned “never say never” when I saw 5′7″ Spud Webb win the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk competition – beating 6′8″ Dominique Wilkins.

Certainly I could go into more depth here.  But the important thing to glean is that negative thinking is an adversary in itself -  just focusing on what you aren’t limits what you can be.

 

Perception is Reality

“You can’t judge a book by its cover”.

I believed wholeheartedly in this credo when I was younger. Appearances were superficial – all that mattered was what kind of person I was. Even from a young age I was extremely well disciplined, had great people skills (when I used them), was intelligent, well studied, well read and a fast learner. I was a great friend with a lot of compassion and support to share and a stimulating conversationalist. I had great leadership skills and was very resourceful. I was committed to building myself into the person I could be. I was thinking about my career before most of my peers and laying tracks for it – building contacts, getting summer jobs that gave me usable experience in my field. I was a good employee, a good son and a good guy to know.

The fact that all those positives were hidden behind the mask of a person who dressed in a slouchy manner, had too-long hair and put on a mask of a slacker who didn’t care about anything beyond having a good time seemed irrelevant. “If they only took the time to get to know me…” And because so few people “knew me”, I had particular contempt for rumors and appearances. I didn’t care what people thought about me or said about me. In my mind, their opinions were invalid because they really didn’t know me.

It’s true that appearances don’t always reflect the person. But they’re all that most people have to go on. People make snap judgments because they have to. No one has the time to get deep into the psyche of every person they make contact with. So they get impressions and for better or worse, that’s who you are to them. If you’re seen as a slacker, you’re a slacker. If you seem like a winner, you’re a winner. The same thing works with your social circles. Hang out with the druggies, you’re a druggie. Hang out with the social outcasts, you’re a social outcast.

As distasteful as it is, especially to young intelligent people during their growth years, you have to work to cultivate the perception you want to be attached to you. You’re building a foundation that will follow you all your life. Although you have opportunities to redefine yourself with new schools, new jobs and other life shifts, the habits you build will follow you as well. You want to establish yourself with the general public, so to speak.

Take time to ask yourself what you want to achieve in life, what that requires you to be right now and how you can make people understand that’s who you are. Find the conflicts and decide on the better choice.

Let’s look at a couple of situations for example:

• As a junior high/high school person, maybe you’d really like to start on the baseball team. At your age, raw talent is not always evident and coaches basically are just picking people they think have potential. So, if you choose to practice at home instead of playing local leagues, your experience is basically invisible. Lots of kids want to sign up for the team when they realize that it’s cool or whatever and coaches have a lot of guys to sift through. I remember being a basketball freak who missed the 6th grade team because I missed a layup. Although I spent a lot of time in practice, no one knew. The tryout for the team was simply giving the 50 guys who wanted to go out a chance to take one shot and the ones who made it were in. So ask yourself – who’s more likely to make the team? The guy the coach has never seen who’s in a lineup with 50 others, or the guy that has played Park Commission baseball every year he’s been in school and can tell the coach what position he thinks he’s best suited for and why? Even if you don’t have the raw talent in place, most coaches will take the chance on someone who’s interested and ready to hustle.
• As a high school age person, maybe you think it’s cool to be a slacker, but you’d really like to attend an Ivy League school someday. If you spend your time goofing off and not taking your studies seriously, you’re not building a very good foundation. You’re going to want teacher recommendations. You’re going to want the parents of your friends to understand that you’re Ivy League material so they can help when they’re in a position of influence or offer you jobs that will give you the kind of experience that looks good on an application. You’re going to want the school staff to be helping you get the grades you will need and the peer support of family and friends to help you keep your studies together. You’re going to want college recruiters to see your experience and an image that fits in with their college. You’re going to have a much easier time if you’re perceived as a studious, driven person instead of the slacker who skipped class and hung out with the losers.
• As a college student, maybe you’ve decided you want to work in Marketing with Disney. You could coast through your studies and send in a resume after graduation in the hopes of getting noticed. Or you could get involved in campus activities related to marketing, donate your time doing marketing for campus functions or publications and do your thesis on something Disney-related. Who’s the more likely choice?

Obviously, you’re going to have more than one simultaneous goal and you’ll want to think these things over. Sometimes even dissimilar goals can be made to fit. If you want to be a high school scholar and all-state athlete, you can cultivate both perceptions by being intelligent on the field and competitive in the classroom.

It’s a very “teen” thing to ignore appearances. But remember that for many people, your book is the cover. Make the cover attractive enough to get people interested in seeing what’s inside.

 

What Do You Do?

So what do you do?

You’ll hear this question many a time in the process of meeting new people and going new places. It’s a nice safe question that fits well in our American work sensibilities. You are what you do, what you’ve accomplished, how much you get paid for it. And the response is effortless – I’m a student, I’m a business owner, I’m a computer programmer.

But how you respond speaks to your self-image and purpose as well.

If you consider yourself a student, that means you’re someone who goes to class, tries to get good grades and has an intention of getting a degree and going on to something else – someday. There’s a reason people have such a crisis picking a major. Why they choose their colleges according to team loyalties, or where their friends are going. Why the lure of mindless entertainment can seem to overcome the need to prepare for an exam. If you see yourself as a student, your vision ends there. What will you do after graduation? What should you be doing to prepare for your future? Where will you be a few years from now? If you don’t really think of yourself as anything but a student, there’s little chance of you being anything else.

But what if you thought of yourself in different terms? What if instead of a student, you were an accountant in training? Or a business owner in the very early start up stages? Changes your outlook, doesn’t it? Suddenly you have a reason for what you’re doing beyond the immediacy of just doing it. You understand why you need to learn the material, and what you’ll use it for. You have a goal in mind for your educational pursuits and with research, can find a school that has a program that takes you toward your goals, instead of just wherever your friends are going.

I have been a computer programmer/technologist most of my life. I enjoy writing code, working with software and creating systems. There’s also a lot about the job I don’t enjoy – long hours, lots of uninteresting support work, the inevitable problem you just can’t seem to solve, having to work with outdated technologies, etc. Comparing the things I like about it with the things I don’t, it’s not a very even balance. Not a lot of joy there.

But the code isn’t an end to itself – it’s what the code does for people. It solves problems. It makes things easier and faster. It makes it feasible to keep up with things you wouldn’t bother with without the assistance of the software. And the things people do with that code produces meaningful results in the world. So I don’t really consider myself a computer programmer. I make it possible for people to get the news they need every day, without fail. I help people maintain their businesses. I help people keep up with their loved ones. I help people form opinions about the world that influences the way they vote and in doing so, affect the political process in my corner of the world. I also help get employees get home to enjoy their families, enjoy their lives.

It makes a difference to really know what you do. It gives you purpose, it helps you through the times that aren’t so fun and it helps you to have a better understanding of what’s valuable and what’s negotiable.

So again, what do you do?

 

Overcoming Shyness

Shyness can be a real hurdle sometimes. I think everyone has some degree of timidity in their system, but when it becomes restrictive of what you can achieve, it becomes a real problem. Public performance, making friends, standing up for your convictions… shyness can become a real barrier to a positive life if you allow it to control you.

There are a few basic techniques I’ve adopted in life to combat shyness; hopefully one or more will be helpful to you.

Being comfortable is the easiest step. Even the shyest people have settings that they feel comfortable in. Often the most timid people will become completely outgoing in a setting they feel safe in. One way you can combat shyness is to bring some element of the settings you feel comfortable in to the problem situation. Maybe it’s having a friend in the audience in a public performance. Maybe it’s a personal item – a “security blanket” that can empower you. Maybe it’s simply drawing enough energy from your preferred setting prior to the situation to help you stay in control.

You can also make an effort to disconnect negative thoughts. Identify your negative feelings about the situation and replace them with more positive ones. For example, at a party you might be tempted to think “what if I say something dumb”, or “what if I’m not dressed right”, or “what if they think I don’t belong”. In doing so, you tend to create a self fulfilling prophecy – if you’re worried that people will think you don’t belong, you’ll probably prompt them to think just that. What you need to do is replace those ideas with positive ones, and repeat them enough to let them soak in. Instead of fearing you’ll be out of place at a party, think about all the great people you might meet that will think you’re great, too. Instead of living in fear of forgetting your lines in a play, focus on how great it will be to perform and hear the approval of the crowd. Visualizing positive results is half the effort to getting them.

Pump yourself up for the occasion. Stroke your ego and convince yourself that you’re not only appropriate for the situation, but superior to it. Why worry about what the audience of a play thinks – after all, you’re much better than them because you had the nerve to be in the performance instead of the audience. Play a recital with confidence; after all, most of the people out there couldn’t play “Chopsticks” if you held a gun to their heads – you’re much more talented than them, at any rate. Why worry what people think about you personally, seeing as how intelligent, accomplished and superior you are to them anyway? You don’t want to live your life embracing an illusion, but in the short term you can often get over feelings of insecurity by building yourself up to being a bit larger than life.

The best tool for beating shyness is simply being confident in yourself and your abilities – which is the natural result of always working to be the best you can be. Setting goals for yourself and achieving them. Living with integrity.

 

Conversations

Ever find yourself one on one with a stranger trying to make polite conversation?

If you’re not a complete extrovert, it can be tough sometimes. Lots of painful silence, generic topics that interest neither party, lots of looking around for an exit and painfully searching for anything to say.

More than likely, the feeling is mutual. People enjoy good conversations, but very few know how to get one started and bring it to the point where it becomes interesting for all involved.

Here’s an easy way to get around that.

• If the other person doesn’t start the conversation, comment on something you know you have in common, even if it’s just in the room with you. The food, the room, the occasion, the weather. If you have a common friend, or work/school together, that’s another point. Just make sure it’s something they have something to say about. It seems silly, but if you can establish up front that you have something in common, you’re off on the right foot. And if the person is really not interested in a conversation, you’ll get the vibe immediately and can move on.
• Always ask open ended questions that can’t be answered with a yes/no. “What are you busy with lately?” “I missed the news today – anything interesting I missed?” “What brings you here?” or “How do you know the host?” Or you can probe for some common interests. Sports topics are good. Or if you’re older, kids. Just make sure it’s easier to give a more elaborate answer than it is to nod and grunt.
• When the person answers, if they introduce any information you can follow up on, do so. Try not to answer your own question, as that tends to end the thread. If you ask them what sports team they follow, ask them how they got involved with the franchise, or if they were a former athlete – anything except saying “Yeah, I like them too” and going back to nervous searching.
• If despite your best efforts you only get a yes/no, find another question to probe. Maybe the person wasn’t a sports fan, but would love to tell you about their hobbies, or favorite music, or whatever. Give it a couple of shots before giving up.
• If you’ve tried with a few questions and are just getting nowhere, you can always just admit it. “I am really bad at starting conversations like this”. Usually you’ll hit a sympathetic chord and can dig a bit deeper.

You can often pull a very interesting conversation out of an uncomfortable situation by just initiating it and putting some stock in it.

And always remember, if you’re bored with the conversation, they probably are too.

 

SMOG

When you take driver’s ed, an acronym they may teach you to help you remember the order of actions to take when changing lanes is SMOG – Signal, Mirror, Over the Shoulder, Go. Signal first, check to make sure you can move, then do it.

Strangely enough, most people don’t do that. They check the mirror or shoulder first to see if there’s room to move, then they signal and go, or just go sometimes. They hesitate to signal because of little ego concerns – maybe there will be no room and they will look stupid driving along with their blinker on. Or that there will be an opening that they’re too timid to take and everyone will know they were too afraid to take the spot. Or that they’ll change their mind and everyone will think they don’t know what they’re doing. It’s a really silly situation – these are likely totally anonymous spectators who couldn’t identify you again in a crowd if they had to. Plus, they’ll likely forget any impressions they had a few seconds down the road. But people invest a lot in their egos, and they hesitate to have them pricked even slightly, even for a fleeting moment. And they don’t signal until they know they can make the move.

The thing is, most people on the road want to be helpful, and a lot of times just announcing your intention will cause the other drivers out of kindness, fear of an accident, or fear of looking like a jerk to make the space you’re looking for. You flip on the signal and someone slows down to give you some room to move. A lot of times you will create the opportunity just by announcing your intentions.

Life is like that as well. A lot of times we want to make a change in our lives. Maybe it’s killing a bad habit, or moving to a new career, or taking our lives in a different direction. And just like on the highway, our egos tend to make us hide our intentions until we’re absolutely sure we can make the change. We want to announce our diet after the weight’s been lost. Or announce our dissatisfaction with our current job when we have a new one secured. Or announce our desire to open our own business the weekend before the grand opening. Our little egos tell us that we’ll look foolish if we announce our intentions and then fall short of them. People will think that we’re failures, or not dedicated enough, or wishy-washy. So we keep those intentions a secret.

But just like on the highway, sometimes just announcing your intentions will open an opportunity. Maybe others who have been along similar paths will give you advice, or encourage you. Maybe they have the means to create the opportunity in their hands. Maybe someone you know has been thinking about investing in a business. Maybe your employer is anticipating some new openings, or has been considering restructuring your department. Maybe a friend has been considering getting in shape as well and will become your workout partner.

I’ve mentioned earlier that people like helping other people. Even the selfish ones get a rise out of demonstrating their generosity occasionally. And just like you, there are lots of people considering change in their lives as well. Change that may be syncronous with what you’re trying to make happen.

But they’ll never know, unless you signal.

 

Beating School, part 6

Popularity

How do you become popular?

Especially in school popularity can seem like the most desirable yet unattainable ring to grab. People obsess over it, becoming deeply depressed at the lack of it and violently protective of it once attained. It can almost seem like the popular kids have a certain halo about them that you must be born into to attain.

The truth is, it’s relatively easy to obtain, if you so desire it. Popularity is a skill that you develop just like playing an instrument, or playing a sport. And while some people seem to come to it naturally or have the fortune to be brought into it by default, anyone can achieve it with the right mindset.

But you do need to understand that popularity is not friendship. Although you will likely develop friendships, you have to understand that being popular does not mean being everyone’s best friend – or anyone’s. You can make yourself popular, but you can’t make yourself someone’s friend. You are not shooting for intimate relationships, but superficial ones with a lot of people. You are building an image, not connections with other people.

As a result, popularity will not exclude loneliness, or feeling disconnected. Matter of fact, filling your life with a lot of casual relationships at the expense of intimate ones is likely to make you more lonely. You’ll also need to sacrifice a degree of individuality in order to make yourself more connectable, which at times can really make you feel lost.

Popularity is also a job – it requires a lot of work to maintain the image you build and the associations you form. You can’t reasonably expect to remain popular unless you’re working to be popular. You are going to have to commit yourself to maintaining that status, or you’ll see it slip soon. And it’s going to take some time to build – you can’t expect to be the class darling in a month’s time. And it’s somewhat anti-climatic – you probably won’t really realize it when you achieve it.

It’s also something that has a limited value. Popularity is really most important to people in junior high and high school, and in college to a lesser degree. After those years, it doesn’t have quite the same draw. Also, when you meet a new peer group – such as changing schools, or going to college – you’ll have to start back at square one again.

By now, maybe you’re thinking popularity is not what you thought it to be – maybe not even desirable. It’s certainly not wrong to not desire to be popular. A set of intimate, supportive friendships can be infinitely more rewarding than being in the middle of the crowd by yourself. I spent a bit of time as a popular person and chose instead to go the other route – and the friendships I formed I still hold dear. But there are occasions when popularity is what you want – running for office, building support for some project, etc. So, if you do find yourself in such a situation where you want to be popular, here’s some tips on how to go about becoming a popular person.

• First, determine that you want to be popular. One of the big secrets of the popularity contest is that a lot of people are unpopular because they don’t value it. Sure, it seems unbelievable – who doesn’t want to be popular? But a lot of smart and talented kids prefer being smart and talented to being popular. When it would really benefit them to be a “normal person” instead of a standout, they choose being a standout instead. Nothing wrong with this – in fact, I think it’s a better way to go. But you have to understand that standing out from the crowd will not make you popular with some people. They’re more comfortable believing that everyone is on the same playing field, and your outstanding performance will upset that balance. So before you get yourself involved, you have to believe that being popular is more important than being outstanding.

• Next, pick the crowd you want to be popular with. Popularity is not about being individually attractive or admired, it’s about forming alliances with others, and respecting those alliances. It may be an elite few that others recognize as popular. If you’re seeking popularity as a backing for leading your class or group, it may include everyone in your class or at your school. Just remember that the more people you include, the more you’ll need to work to maintain that group – so be realistic about the effort you’re willing to expend. Make sure that those people are the focus of your attention, and that they know your loyalties lie with them. And work to include everyone in that group. Pretend you’re running for office, and you’re trying to get the vote of each person in the group you’re working yourself into. If there are people you aren’t connecting to, you won’t have their “vote” for popularity, or their influence in bringing others across. Look for opportunities to spend time with all of them, and make those experiences positive so that everyone will want to repeat them.
• Now, understand the key to becoming part of this group – divide and conquer.  One of the reasons people keep others out of their groups is because they themselves are concerned about their standing in the group.   They personally might not have problems being friendly with you and letting you “in” the group, but if others in the group are not, they will follow suit in order to keep their own standing in the group. If you can become friendly with a certain percentage of people in the group, you will be friendly with the group.  Find situations when these individuals are away from the group and in another setting and become friendly with them.  Some great opportunities are sitting by someone in a class (particularly a class where most of the group is not present), while participating in a sport, or working together in a club or job. Once you’ve won over several of them individually, they can accept you into the group because they will no longer feel the pressure.  If you’ve made friends with most of the people in the group individually and then take steps to join the group as a whole, you’ve built  a consensus among them and no one will object.  It’s very political, and very easy to subvert, given that you’re willing to put in the time.
• Self confidence is the key to being popular with any individual or group. You have to carry yourself as if you have the utmost confidence in your abilities, your worth and your value. If you’re a little shy or timid, or lack self-confidence, gentle bravado will work just as well. The basic idea you want to project constantly is that you’re just as valuable as anyone else. Not above or below them. You’re “A-Team” material. No one is “out of your reach” to date. You’re going to succeed at whatever you choose to do. Don’t show fear or a lack of confidence in yourself. Don’t behave in an arrogant fashion; that turns people off. But don’t feel insecure or less than confident at any point. Or at least, don’t let anyone believe you feel that way. You have to believe you’re on the level of the people you’re seeking to join in order for them to believe it.
• Like people. So simple, but so difficult for some to understand. People won’t like you if you don’t like them. So like them. Spend time with other people and enjoy it. Don’t eat by yourself – or do anything by yourself if possible. This is really difficult if you don’t necessarily like the personalities of the people you’re trying to influence. But, the more time you spend with people, the more connections you make. And if you genuinely like spending time with people, they’ll like you as well. Start up conversations with people, or join existing groups. Get included in exclusive activities. Don’t be pushy, or try to force your way in. But involve yourself – don’t be content to be a bystander. There will always be plenty of “hangers-on” that try to be around the popular crowd, but tend to stand on the outside of the group without contributing – this won’t work, so make sure you make yourself a part of the group, and not just around it. Make sure your voice is heard, and it’s one people will like. This can be really difficult if you’re naturally introverted, but you can learn to work around those tendencies. I’ll try to give you some advice on that later.
• Emphasize things in common. The most common mistake people make when trying to get others to like them is to attempt to impress them. Wearing better clothes, or driving a nicer car, or relating experiences or skills they’ve never had will impress some people, but it won’t make them like you. People will find themselves drawn toward the familiar. So popularity will come easier if you’re more or less like the people you want to like you. Same basic details. Wear similar clothes, drive similar cars, spend time doing the things they do. Keep up with the same sports, or bands, or activities so that you have something to talk about. Involve yourself in the things they like. And if you can’t, give them the impression you would if you could. People are really comfortable with the idea that we’re all just alike, and people who stand out from the crowd too much will find themselves less popular than those who sit on the inside. Being admired and being liked are not the same thing. Impressing people won’t make them include you.
• Have something unique. It’s always great to have a little something unique to help people keep you in front of mind. Maybe it’s a skill, or a habit, or a look, or an attitude. Don’t overemphasize it, but keep it where people know about it. For me, it was being a guitar player. I also had a pretty distinctive car – a ‘66 Mustang. But it can be as simple as always drinking a unique soft drink, or chewing some special brand of gum that no one else does, or a unique item of clothing that’s a bit different. You don’t want your unique point to be too far away from the norm, but you want it to be something no one else has. That gives people a mental cue to think of you. In my case, everyone knew my car, so they knew where I was, or recognized me on the road. And when someone asked about me, it was easy to say “oh he plays in this band” or something similar. Once again, you’re trying to be like everyone else, but your one unique point can give people a mental hook when your name comes up.

Basically, you’ll be popular when a sufficient number of people believe they’ll have a good experience with you when you are around. And to do that, they’ll need to not feel threatened by you and expect to have a good time with you when you’re around them. You may really not recognize when you’re there – there’s no definitive event or signal that you’ve become popular. But you will have a good idea of it by how often these people seek to include you in what they do.

Personally, I think the best way to go about life is to be the best person you can be, and to keep yourself open and available to positive relationships as they come along. It will put some people off, but I think it makes you a better person and better prepares you for a life of success by emphasizing your abilities and surrounding you with other people who try to be their best. I also think it’s a more rewarding path to follow.

I was really hesitant to offer this letter, because I think popularity as an end to itself is not very rewarding. It’s often a very shallow accomplishment and a hollow victory. As an end to itself, I can’t really recommend it. But I wanted to lay this out for a couple of reasons. First, to “expose” the popularity race a little bit and maybe help you see how transparent and shallow it actually is. And secondly, to give you an idea of how to do it if you really feel the calling to take this route. Better to do it the right way and get the top as fast as possible, so it doesn’t drain your entire school career playing around it. And finally, because sometimes you can use this advice in moderation to drum up the support of other people without losing your own direction in life.

So, if you do find that you desire popularity above anything else, or if you need to get the support of other people in a new setting, these are some pretty good steps to get there.

 

Team Players, Continued

In the last letter, I talked a little bit about blowing your own horn while being a team player. I want to flesh out the mechanics of that act, because it’s a difficult thing to do.

How do you let people know about your talents and contributions while still appearing to be a team player? Well, it’s always a delicate process that has to be experimented with, every time. But here are some generic suggestions:

• Do your job first. There is nothing that will immediately turn people off more than shirking any responsibilities you already have to try to grab someone else’s. Exceed expectations. Show that you can do more with less, or for a lesser cost, or take the toughest assignments, or the ones that no one wants. Show you can do the things assigned you before anything else. And once you do a great job on your own tasks, it’s reasonable to ask for more or to go deeper.
• Make it a proposition. The worst way to position yourself in your peers’ or superiors’ eyes is to call attention to your own brilliance. “Hey look at me, aren’t I doing a great job” will just gain you groans. What you have to do is make your next step a proposition. Instead of saying “I did all my work, what else you got for me?”, pay attention to what’s needed and offer your involvement; “I figure we are going to need approval on these funds – can I put together a proposal?” “I don’t think anyone has planned for a speaker – can I work on getting us one?”. Make your peers and superiors aware of a need, and offer to fill it.
• Show enthusiasm. Everyone likes someone who has a smile on their face. If you do the work cheerfully and show some enthusiasm for the product, guess who is likely to be elected or selected to take a leadership role?
• Be humble. Don’t let your responsibilities or recognition go to your head, and more people will be willing to let the accolades stay fresh.

Just a few minor suggestions to flesh that last one out.

 

Team Players

Everyone loves a team player. Everyone wants the person that unselfishly gives of himself to see the group get ahead. There’s no easier way to build rapport and guarantee yourself inclusion than to be the kind of person they know will do whatever’s necessary to see that the team wins.

Being a team player is important. Very few things in this life get accomplished on your own. But there’s one pitfall to that advantage – it’s easy to get lost in the team.

There’s a really delicate balance to being a team player. You have to support the team, but you can’t blend in so perfectly that your own accomplishments don’t get recognized and subsequently rewarded. You can’t be a ball hog, but if you give away every shot you’ll never have any to call your own. You can’t be the company showboat, but you can’t anonymously make everyone else look good all the time.

It’s hard to give you solid advise about this, because every situation is a little different. But you will have your best shot at a good balance if you pay attention to the reactions of people around you. Do you sense resentment when you step up, or do people seem to accept your status? When you take the lead, do the people with influence understand your contributions?

You won’t always get things right, so you have to step up and do your thing, then test the waters. If you’re getting a negative response, ease off. Patch up the wounds by including others in the praise. Or give someone else a chance to shine. Or play it with a bit more subtlety. The more you practice it, the better you’ll get.

You never want to prop yourself up at the expense of the team. Not only does it get you resentment, it gets you and the team a loss. And it’s just not a very honorable way to do things.

But at the same time, you don’t want to fade into obscurity, either. You’ll never get ahead if people don’t know why you should be getting ahead.

 

Dressing the Part

In an ideal world, people would be judged by their merits alone. Your physical appearance would be seen as incidental and routine. But we live in a visual society. People make snap decisions on the most superficial levels. And while that’s not really a valid judge of worth, you’ll find the majority of people you’re forced to deal with will be quite satisfied with determining your worth based on appearance alone.

Especially in your formative years, it’s hard to see that. You want to look like the rest of the crowd, or express your individuality, or rebel against the picture your parents had laid out for you. And that’s normal and healthy.

The problem is, most of the time your peers are not in a position to get you ahead. They don’t assign your grades, or give you leeway in a disciplinary matter, or offer you a promotion. Generally, the people that can manage this are older than you, and probably don’t have the same appreciation for the concert T-shirt or the crazy hairstyle your peers would applaud.
If you want older people to take you more seriously; if you want to build influence with people who can help you out, you have to look the part.

Generally, you want to dress the part you want to play. If you want someone to see you as responsible, you want to look like what “they” would characterize as a trustworthy person. At work, you want to dress for the job you want, not the one you have. Doing so sets you apart from the crowd in a constructive way and helps the higher-ups see you as a little more together than your peers.

Naturally, you don’t want to be too out of place. If the norm is jeans, a suit is probably too much. Being that much out of place not only ostracizes you from your peers, but will be seen as odd enough to be negative.

But you can make subtler choices that still have an impact. Sometimes you can get away with casual pants where everyone else has jeans. Sometimes you can ensure your shirt has a collar, or wear a button-up instead of a pullover. Tucking in your shirt, avoiding jewelry (outside of a nice watch) goes a long way in helping them see you as a mature person. And just making sure your clothes are clean and pressed will make a difference.

We all wish we could be judged on our merits instead of the impressions we leave. But since you know that the impressions are going to define you to the people that have influence, you can use this to your advantage.