Letters to My Kids

“Live every day as if it were your last, because one of these days, it will be.” – Jeremy Schwartz

I hope that title grabbed your eye.  Take a second to think about it.

No matter how strong, how healthy, how well prepared you may be, you’re eventually going to die someday.  And unfortunately, no one knows the time they will go.  People who are the picture of vitality and health wake up one day and are involved in a mortal accident or an act of violence. People with no history of poor health come back from a routine doctor’s visit with the news that they have an incurable disease.

My first death in the family was my maternal grandmother.  She was in the process of recovering from a stroke at our house and one morning, she was just gone.  She wasn’t in the best health, but there wasn’t any deathbead ritual – she simply died sitting at the breakfast table while my mom had a conversation with her.  I was only 10, so it wasn’t the biggest impact on me.

My paternal grandmother was next.  Again, she had been sickly, but it wasn’t at all expected.  My paternal grandfather was next, and he passed away during the night.  He’d never been to the hospital a day in his life and at 94 was still working hard outdoors every day.  I was beginning to get the picture that death just wasn’t that predictable.

My mother was diagnosed with lung cancer when I was just out of college.  She’d never smoked or had a family history of it.  Luckily for us, she pulled through surgery and radiation treatments like a trooper, but there were still a lot of anxious months and years involved before she was pronounced cancer-free definitively.

My father died in a routine operation to clear a blood vessel in his neck.  He’d never been in the hospital in all his years and had just breezed through a preliminary operation of exactly the same kind a couple of months before.  He went through surgery fine, then mysteriously died in the recovery room.

In 2005, I contracted West Nile disease and suffered meningitis,  encephalitis and about a weeklong coma.  When I woke, they were prepping us to expect brain damage and loss of function.  Thankfully I pulled through this and proved them all wrong with a full recovery, but it was a very sobering time.

At this point, your mother is halfway through chemotherapy to fight breast cancer.  We never expected this either and likely would not have found it if a bout with bronchitis had not caused her to find the lump early.  We were very lucky.

The point is, you never really know how much time you have left.  The older you get and the more close brushes with death you have, death becomes less of an intellectual exercise and more of an expectation.

No one wants to die.  Even people that think they’re headed to Heaven next don’t want to die to get there.  But it’s the destination we all share.  You won’t escape it.

Sorry to be so dramatic and melancholy, but it’s all quite true.

The lesson to learn is that your time is limited, so don’t waste it.  Don’t waste it living the life someone else wants you to live. Don’t let the noise of public opinion drown out your inner voice.  Have the courage to follow your heart and your dreams.

And look in the mirror every day and ask yourself that if today is the last day you have, would you still do what you planned to do today?  Are the goals you are pursuing worthy of the last day of your life?   In the grand scheme of your life, will today matter?   It might be the last day you have to matter.

Everything else is secondary.

One of the most hated descriptions you can apply to another is “hypocrite”.  The simplest definition for this characteristic is probably someone who says one thing and does another.  Nobody likes a hypocrite.  Nobody respects a hypocrite.

Hypocrisy is alive and well in every generation.  It’s in the rock star who trumpets a message of urgency to save the starving in some foreign country, yet dedicates little of his own money to the cause.  It’s practically every politician, comparing their pre and post election message.  The person who denounces materialism, which admitting that they still cling to their own particular indulgences.

Aside from the undesirable peer status, hypocrisy is just a draining experience.  It’s a constant set of doubletalk sent to your brain, reinforcing opposite ideals that simply leave you without a real ability to define yourself or your  core beliefs.  And if you can get to a point where you no longer sense the conflict, you’ve just developed something of a sociopathic relationship with yourself that can never be relied upon to guide you, chasten you or bolster you.

Unfortunately, it’s an easy trap to fall into:

• You publicly acknowledge the need to help others, but can’t seem to let go of your own time or money
• Your heart calls you to spend your life in work that helps people, but you can’t let go of a meaningless corporate career because it pays so well
• Your relationship is stagnant and unfulfilling, but peer pressure, an aversion to conflict or need to cling to routine keep you from breaking it off
• You cling to the politics/social structure/religion of your childhood, although your ideology doesn’t really line up with it anymore

If you’re in that situation, you know there’s a little voice inside you that comes up in times of reflection and tells you that you need to make a change.  Be assured, the older you get, the voice only gets louder.  It’s your conscience building on a lifetime of experiences that tell you to pursue what’s in your heart.

Make your best efforts always to pursue only what truly matters to you – the things that are undeniably a part of you.  To make the values in your heart the values that guide your life.
Stay authentic to yourself.

It’s very likely that at one time or another, you’ll be called to make a speech before an audience.  Daunting as it may seem, the ability to give a good speech is within anyone’s grasp, given that they’re willing to put in the effort necessary.  It just takes some confidence, a strong grip on the fundamentals and something that people want to hear!

Preparation

•  When given a choice, pick a good topic.  The best way to give a memorable speech is to say something that people are interested in hearing.   Current events and concerns make the message real and applicable, and in so doing, demand attention.  Talk about what’s on the front page, what’s in the media and take advantage of the zeitgeist.
• If you’re assigned a topic that you don’t feel is interesting to your audience, look for common themes that touch everyone – basic interests like love, aspirations, security, friendship.  When crafting your speech, build it around themes that hold people’s interest to connect them to the topic.  So, when tasked to give a speech about the GNP of Haiti, turn it into a story about a typical family’s struggle for survival instead of a stack of charts.
• Tell a story.  People get interested in stories, and often you can guide them through the points you want to make in order to reveal the rest of the story.  Avoid the classic “begin the story, interject the speech, finish the story” formula – it’s so well used that people learn to tune the middle out.  Thread your story all the way through your speech.  If it’s a report, find the story behind the facts.  If it’s a how-to, make it a story about someone learning how-to.
• Craft your speech to draw attention.  Don’t just give them a bulleted list.  People have been trained by movies and TV to gravitate through some common storylines and approaches:
  • The “hero’s journey” – a classic coming of age story
  • David vs Goliath – when the underdog wins
  • Challenging assumptions – putting a twist in the plot to deliver an unexpected conclusion
  • Personalities – presenting the development of a character

  Draw some inspiration from a favorite movie or show and see how your speech could progress along those lines.

• Keep it simple.  If you can’t condense the premise into a sentence, it’s not simple enough.
• Get the words down pat.  Know your speech.  Study it so well you don’t need your notes – then you won’t need them nearly as much when nervousness kicks in.
• Practice it aloud.  Get the words familiar to your lips so you don’t stumble.  Time yourself and know about how fast you have to talk in order to deliver it in the proper timeframe.
• Practice it standing.  If you know you’ll have a podium, practice with a similar substitute.  This solidifies your confidence.  If you’ve already worked all the quirks of your body – how you will stand, gesture, when you will pause, look at notes, etc. you will feel much more familiar with the room at go time.
• Eliminate “uuhs”, “wells” and similar pause expressions.  They’re terribly distracting.
• Make notes.  Don’t try to read your whole speech.  Put together a basic outline to remind you of your direction and use it.
• If your speech requires a question & answer period, go ahead and line up some expected questions and answers.  Also, think of some sources that you can pass along in case of an unexpected question.  For example: “That’s a very good question and a good answer would be a little more in-depth than we have time for here today.  I’d suggest reading…”.

Delivery

• Speak confidently.  You know your subject, now deliver it.  Don’t hesitate.  If people feel like you doubt yourself, they won’t believe in you.
• Speak naturally.  Don’t try to adopt an orator’s voice or exaggerated gestures.  People recognize phony behavior – just speak as you would in any situation.
• Use your notes.  Don’t try to pretend they aren’t there.  Mark your current place whenever it’s convenient with something so that if you get lost, you have a reference point.
• Show enthusiasm.  Your audience will never have greater enthusiasm than you…
• Find faces in the audience for feedback.  Find someone who is attentive, then use their expressions to gauge your effectiveness.  If they show confusion, take a bit of time to better explain the point.  Don’t get lost chasing loose ends, but if you can offer a quick example or a descriptive sentence, it’s worth it to get your message across.
• If you’re asked a question you don’t know, admit it and provide an opportunity to return the answer to them later.

Feedback

• Record the speech if possible.  Learn from your mistakes for the next opportunity
• Speak with the audience if possible.  Find out how much they understood and what impact it had.

The best teacher is experience, so my best advice is to take advantage of every opportunity to speak and refine your skills.

Memorization is going to be your companion throughout your whole educational career. Although it’s not as effective a method of learning as other techniques, it’s going to become a requirement for numerous tests. But relatively few people understand how to effectively memorize for a test.

The proven technique is called stacking, and it consists of mastering an amount of information and adding to it. Stacking works like this:

Suppose you are expected to memorize a list of 10 items for a test. Write them down on a sheet of paper, get in an area with some peace and quiet and:

• Memorize item one. Put the paper away and repeat it aloud.
• When you have item one down, memorize item one, then two. Put the paper away and repeat both of them aloud.
• Continue through the end of the list
• When you miss an item in the list, go back to that level and restart. Ex. – if you’re working on item 8, but you miss item 4 when repeating, go back to item 4 and move up from there.

A couple of things are at work here: writing helps to solidify your thoughts, speaking them aloud firms them up a little more and taking things in a regular order lets you chain associations of a lesser retained item to a stronger one.

And if you can take a short nap after your session, it’s proven that sleep will solidify memory.  Just as long as you remember to get up and start studying again!

You don’t always get it right the first time…

• Abraham Lincoln failed in business in 1831. He was defeated for the legislature in 1832. He failed in business again in 1834. Hi beloved, Ann Rutledge, died in 1835. Had a nervous breakdown in ‘1836. Was defeated in election in 1838. Defeated for Congress in 1843, 1846, and for a third time in 1848. Lincoln was defeated for Senate in 1855, and defeated for Vice President in 1856. In 1858 he was defeated for Senate. And finally in 1860 he was elected President!
• Thomas Edison built 1800 prototypes until he created the first light bulb. He was one of America’s most prolific inventors, and he was granted 1,093 patents by the U.S. Patent office, including motion picture cameras, the phonograph, and the storage battery. But his inventions included such failures as a perpetual cigar, furniture made of cement, and a flying machine.
• Alexander Graham Bell invented the telephone, and yet he found it difficult to secure a major backer. In the same year he patented the telephone, 1876, Bell tried to sell exclusive rights to the telephone to Western Union, the leading communications company at the time, for $100,000. William Orton, Western Union’s president, declined the offer, saying: “What use could this company make of an electrical toy?” The rest, as they say, is history.
• Frank Herbert is the author of Dune, the epic science-fiction tale. The book was rejected by 13 publishers with comments like “too slow,” “confusing and irritating,” “too long,” and “issues too clear-cut and old fashioned.” But Herbert was persistent. Dune went on to win the two highest awards in the science-fiction writing and has sold over 10 million copies.
• Albert Einstein was a poor elementary school student. He failed his first college entrance exam at Zurich Polytechnic. However he went on to develop one of the greatest theories of Physics, The Theory of Relativity. He won the Nobel Prize in Physics and today his name is synonymous with the word “Genius.” He will go down in history as one of the greatest scientists in the history of the world.
• Henry Ford failed in business and went broke five times before he finally succeeded. In his first car, he forgot to put in a reverse gear. Then in 1957, he created bragged about the “car of the decade,” the Edsel. This car was infamous for its doors that wouldn’t close, a hood that wouldn’t open, paint that peeled, a horn that stuck, and a notoriety that made resale impossible. Despite this, Ford went on to much success.
• Col. Harland Sanders (the Kentucky Fried Chicken Guy) traveled across the country trying to franchise his business. On the 1009th try he got his first sale. Today, KFC is a worldwide success story.

If at first you don’t succeed…

The dating years are really fun, but equally confusing. One of the most confusing situations is when you try to determine whether or not someone is interested in getting to know you better, or just being polite or passing the time.

Actually, it’s usually confusing because the people involved are confused. Attraction comes in stages. You see something you like and you want to dig a little deeper. If you keep seeing things you like, the attraction grows and vice versa. The guy/girl across from you doesn’t know if she’s interested in you or not, but he/she knows if they want to know more.

Here are a few tricks to put in your toolkit to see if a person is actually interested in getting to know you better or not.

• Obviously, smiling is an easy indicator. No matter what they’re saying, if there’s an honest smile on their faces, they’re interested. Watch out for people who hide sarcastic smiles well, though.
• If they compliment you on something, they’re interested. It’s highly unusual for people to compliment you without having ulterior motives. Yes, you might have a fantastic shirt on, but they’re already aware of that. If they take the time to let you know that, they’re testing the waters – trying to see a little more of you.
• If they agree with you, or if they disagree and laugh, they’re into you. The more talkative, the more interested. If they aren’t, they’ll just “uh-huh” you until you give up.
• If they touch you during conversation, they’re interested. If they don’t they just might be shy or reserved. You can test this by reaching for something near them and watching to see if they let you touch them or if they shrink back when you get too close.
• If you’ve been getting mixed signals, try leaving. Tell them you need to use the bathroom or go get a drink or something. If they’re waiting for you when you get back, they’re probably interested.

Of course, these are just some general suggestions.  Every situation, every person is different, so don’t rely on these authoritatively.  Use your instincts and some common sense.  And always try to leave with a good impression.  You never know when it will come back to you.

Being sociable is a critical skill in building relationships in every setting. Making new friends, networking at a business event, blending in at a party – all require a degree of sociability. And frankly, we’ve all been to a social occasion and envied the person who blends effortlessly, becoming the life of the party and walking away with a lasting impression.

To some people it comes naturally; for the more introverted, it can be really difficult sometimes. But in the end, it’s a skill you can cultivate and develop. It’s a balance of standing out and blending in. It’s basically about becoming approachable and not ruining that impression.

Here’s how to get started:

• Smile. People want to be around happy people. Laugh at people’s jokes, keep a smile on and act like you’re excited about being there. It may seem “cool” to be reserved and uninvested, but it makes people hesitant to approach you.
• Initiate conversations. Most people want conversations, but they don’t want to start them. Start with something casual, then gauge how they respond. If you get an unenthusiastic answer, then close it and move along. If they seem ready to talk, keep it up.
• When you’re unfamiliar with the group you’re talking in, ask questions instead of volunteering information.  Most people love to talk about themselves and their ideas. If you have a fair knowledge of current events, you can probe some sample topics until you find one they really respond to.  As a matter of fact, asking questions is the best way to get a conversation going with anyone.
• Introduce people. Make the connections for them and they’ll both appreciate it.
• Give a smile and a nod! When you catch someone’s eye, give them a smile and a nod, even if you don’t follow up on it. When someone walks up to the group you’re talking to, do the same even if you don’t stop talking. When you acknowledge these random encounters, people get the impression that you’re approachable and likable.
• Listen. People like talking about themselves. Don’t interrupt them with “Yes, and I…” interjections. Listen until they’re finished talking and then add your two cents. If you interrupt them, they’re less likely to want to finish the story – and if you hold your comments, you’ve already got your next statement ready to fill the silence. Most importantly, listen and learn a little more about them.
• Ask good questions. People like to elaborate from their strengths. If you don’t know what someone’s talking about, ask them. Encourage them to elaborate. If they have a great time telling you about themselves, they’ll remember you as a fascinating person!
• Don’t be a wallflower. Keep your body language open. Don’t retreat to a corner, cross your arms or sit with your back to the room. If someone walks up to the group, make room for them. You invite more people into the mix and give the impression of friendliness.
• Don’t try to be the life of the party by being outrageous or an entertainer. You may get some attention, but people don’t enjoy one person stealing all the thunder. Go ahead and be funny or fascinating, but give other people the chance to do so as well. And whatever you do, don’t try to “out-host” the actual host.
• Don’t criticize. It’s fine to say you don’t like things, but do it gently. While you may think it’s cool to criticize the lame music or bad food, it’s probably going to offend someone slightly – the guy who thought the food was OK or the girl who likes the trendy music now thinks that you’re criticizing them.
• Don’t judge people by their looks or company. The nerdy looking guy or girl might be absolutely engaging. And even if they aren’t, you never know when a positive impression will help you. They just might be the brother/sister of someone you really want to know.
• Don’t stay in a little huddle of people. Get around the room and meet new people. And if people approach your group, make room for them.
• Be committed to the gathering. That means stay off your phone, take off your coat, put down your bag, etc. Give the impression that you’re here to enjoy the event and you’re interested in what’s going on here and now. In some situations you do have to hold on to your stuff, but when it’s appropriate, “sit down and stay a spell”.
• If it’s at all appropriate, thank the host before you leave. Thank people you spent a lot of time with for the conversation or whatever’s appropriate. That way you leave with a positive impression.

These are just some general tips, but they’ll take you quite a ways toward being someone that everybody wants to know.