At some point in your life, you’re likely to be associated with someone who always sees the glass as half empty.  You know the type – no matter what’s going on, they always have a sad story to bring you.  Every update on their lives is a chronicle of misery.

It’s difficult to maintain these relationships when you’re a positive person.  But sometimes the option isn’t there to cease the relationship.  Maybe it’s a coworker, or a family member.  Maybe it’s an employee at your favorite store.  Maybe it’s a friend of a friend that you just can’t stay disconnected from.

There is an easy way to deal with this sort of person.  But first, let me tell you how NOT to deal with them:

  • Trying to cheer them up rarely works.  “Oh, it’s not so bad” tells this person that you don’t take their troubles seriously.  The usual result is that they work harder to make you understand how bad things are.
  • Trying to solve their problems rarely works.  They’re convinced that their problems are significant and no off-the-cuff suggestions from you are going to work.
  • Telling them to get their act together rarely works.  Now they have a distaste for you on top of their problems. It just ends up making you look bad to them.
  • Complaining about the complainers to others doesn’t work.  Guess what – now you’re a complainer!
  • Ignoring them rarely works.  If you brush them off, they either resent you or work harder to convince you of their problems.
  • Complaining with them doesn’t work.  It usually comes across as a challenge to them.  They will work harder than ever to convince you that their lot in life is much sorrier than yours.

The fact is, these people aren’t seeking solutions, they’re seeking compassion.  They want validation and support.  So the best way to handle them is to give them a little.

“I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this.”  That’s it.  Don’t give any more.  Just let them know that you hear them and you wish they weren’t feeling like this.

Notice that you’re not adding to the problem by acknowledging that their problems are serious. Notice that you’re not criticizing them or demeaning their situation.  And notice that you’re not offering to hear more about it or get dragged into it further. Even if you think they’re just being a big crybaby or over-inflating their situation, you haven’t misrepresented yourself.  You haven’t agreed to join them in their pity party.  You haven’t validated their problems. You’ve simply said that you care.

This doesn’t always make the complaining go away, but it does take you out of the cycle of escalating complaints.  It also leaves the person with a good impression of you and creates some goodwill.