Letters to My Kids

At some point in your life, you’re likely to be associated with someone who always sees the glass as half empty.  You know the type – no matter what’s going on, they always have a sad story to bring you.  Every update on their lives is a chronicle of misery.

It’s difficult to maintain these relationships when you’re a positive person.  But sometimes the option isn’t there to cease the relationship.  Maybe it’s a coworker, or a family member.  Maybe it’s an employee at your favorite store.  Maybe it’s a friend of a friend that you just can’t stay disconnected from.

There is an easy way to deal with this sort of person.  But first, let me tell you how NOT to deal with them:

• Trying to cheer them up rarely works.  “Oh, it’s not so bad” tells this person that you don’t take their troubles seriously.  The usual result is that they work harder to make you understand how bad things are.
• Trying to solve their problems rarely works.  They’re convinced that their problems are significant and no off-the-cuff suggestions from you are going to work.
• Telling them to get their act together rarely works.  Now they have a distaste for you on top of their problems. It just ends up making you look bad to them.
• Complaining about the complainers to others doesn’t work.  Guess what – now you’re a complainer!
• Ignoring them rarely works.  If you brush them off, they either resent you or work harder to convince you of their problems.
• Complaining with them doesn’t work.  It usually comes across as a challenge to them.  They will work harder than ever to convince you that their lot in life is much sorrier than yours.

The fact is, these people aren’t seeking solutions, they’re seeking compassion.  They want validation and support.  So the best way to handle them is to give them a little.

“I’m really sorry you’re having to deal with this.”  That’s it.  Don’t give any more.  Just let them know that you hear them and you wish they weren’t feeling like this.

Notice that you’re not adding to the problem by acknowledging that their problems are serious. Notice that you’re not criticizing them or demeaning their situation.  And notice that you’re not offering to hear more about it or get dragged into it further. Even if you think they’re just being a big crybaby or over-inflating their situation, you haven’t misrepresented yourself.  You haven’t agreed to join them in their pity party.  You haven’t validated their problems. You’ve simply said that you care.

This doesn’t always make the complaining go away, but it does take you out of the cycle of escalating complaints.  It also leaves the person with a good impression of you and creates some goodwill.

Abraham Lincoln composed the Gettysburg address on a piece of ordinary stationary he borrowed from a friend while staying in their house. James Joyce wrote with a #2 pencil and a cheap notebook. Van Gogh rarely painted with more than  6 colors on his palette.

How is this meaningful?  Consider how many statesmen are out there working with a fleet of speechwriters and stenographers whose words will never make an impact.  Consider how many writers with state of the art computers with spell checking and access to an immense library of material will never finish the book they’re working on.  Consider how many artists with private studios and hundreds of tools will never create something worth more than the canvas it was painted on.

You see, there’s no correlation between creative talent and the quality of your tools.

A lot of times as a creative person, you’re tempted to hide behind your tools.  Artists attempt to dazzle you with the variety of colors and materials and effects they can generate.  Third rate movies slosh special effects to try to cover up a disinteresting story.  Very often  the tools of shock or outrageousness is put in place to cover a lack of talent.

Even worse, beginners often use their tools as an excuse for not performing.  If only I had ____, then I’d do something special.  Or worse, when I get _____, then I’ll get serious.

The fact is, your tools are no excuse.  The best artists simplify, reducing their tools to those that are easily manageable and familiar to the touch. Fact is, plenty of people have access to the best tools.  Very few have the talent to do something with them.

Don’t use your tools as an excuse to perform poorly, and don’t allow their facility to squelch your creativity.

College is a rare and wonderful time that’s going to be a real eye opener for you.  Never again are you likely to have so many opportunities in front of you and so much freedom to pursue them.  At the same time, it’s a real challenge in self-discipline and self-direction, since this is likely to be your first “on your own” experience.

So I’d like to give you just a few pieces of advice on how to make the most of your college career:

• Take responsibility for your self. You’ll be out from under parents’ watchful eyes, and for the most part there’s not going to be anyone to cover your bases for you.  So pay heed to Mom and Dad’s previous advice. Stay clean.  Exercise.  Eat right.  Be careful.  Take precautions to stay safe.  We nagged you because we were looking out for your well being.  Now look out for your own.
• Take responsibility for your own learning.  There are opportunities everywhere for learning, both inside and outside the classroom.  You’re paying a lot of money to get an education, so get it.  Don’t  be satisfied with “making the grade”.  Make sure you come out of college knowing what you want to do with your life and some skills to get there.  Set goals, track your progress and pursue your education.
• Take significant courses in your major as soon as possible. You might learn that you’d prefer another major, and better to learn earlier than later.
• Make the most of your classes.  Come prepared.  Come on time.  Stay focused.  Ask questions. Make friends in every class that will support you.  Be friendly with the teacher. Try to come out of every class ready to take a test on that material.  If you don’t understand it, make sure you do before the next class.  Remember, the more you absorb in the classroom, the less time you’ll have to spend studying outside of it when the social scene happens.
• Study until you know the material.  Find a time and place free of distractions.  For me, it was sometimes in the late hours when I was the only one up.  Sometimes I studied in the library.  When I couldn’t find a quiet place, I’d use my car.
• If you have trouble with the material, get help.  Get a tutor.  Get time with your professor.  Don’t assume a shallow knowledge of the subject is good enough for the test.  Learn the material.  Especially in your major, the next class’ material usually builds on the earlier stuff, so get your basics down pat.
• Try new things.  Make new friends.  Try activities you weren’t involved in before.  College is a great melting pot and a chance to redefine yourself in the eyes of your peers.  You might find things you really enjoy.
• A lot of students major in drugs and alcohol.  Don’t be one of them.  When you consider the thousands upon thousands of dollars you’re putting out to get an education,  that’s the most expensive drink you’ve ever taken.
• Shop early for textbooks, and never buy new ones.
• Keep up with your finances.  Credit is not free money. Set a budget and stick with it.
• Use a daily planner and some system of reminders.  Don’t depend on your brain to absorb everything.  You might have been great at this in high school, but you’ve just moved up a notch.  Put your assignments from your syllabus on this calendar so you see them coming  up.
• Have fun

Since my earliest years, I’ve always considered it to be essential to be on-time or early for every appointment, meeting and event I’ve been involved with.  Situations do crop up that prevent that occasionally, but I’ve always felt being early was to my advantage in several ways:

• I don’t have the most effective sense of direction, so it’s easy for me to get lost. Going early gives me the chance to navigate any missteps in the journey, particularly to unfamiliar places.  Although most times I ended up waiting on others, it was worth it for the times I got lost and had breathing room to backtrack or ask directions.
• Getting there early always gave me a few minutes to assess the situation, make a bathroom visit, straighten my clothes, relax and settle in before a meeting.  That brought me to the table more calmly.  In job interviews and client meetings, I usually had some time to look over an annual report or develop a rapport with the front desk people.  As a matter of fact, I refused more than one job offer just because of the activity I noticed while waiting for my interview.
• Being there early builds a reputation for you.  People see you as someone they can count on.  Someone who values their time and is conscientious about their commitments. Someone who can be trusted with responsibilities because they’re committed to the people they’re meeting or the cause they’re involved in.
• Conversely, being late gets you a reputation as well. People see you at best over committed, at worst, uninterested.  Someone who does not value their time and who is just “fitting them in” where it’s convenient.

At one point, I reversed this habit and spent a lot of my time showing up late for my commitments.  Lessons learned:

• I thought showing up late to meetings at work might give the impression that I was staying busy doing important things.  What actually happened is that everyone else involved (who also considered themselves busy and involved) simply saw that I couldn’t manage time or didn’t consider the meeting important.  And when I paid attention, I realized that I thought the same thing about people who came  in later than me.
• In my more introverted days I would show up late for social occasions to avoid small talk.  I realized after a while how much of the conversations I was missing and how many opportunities to network I let fall.  So by coming late, I just increased the difficulty of getting socially involved with new people.

Manage your time well enough to meet your commitments on time.  Don’t fall for tricks like setting your watch forward – that just encourages a lack of self discipline and you don’t get the internal rewards of meeting your own commitments.  Set your mind to it and do it.

It’s a skill that will set you apart – positively.

Remembering a person’s name is one of the most empowering skills to have in relationship building.  People appreciate it when you remember them.  It bolsters their ego and edges them toward thinking “this person really values and appreciates me”.

But some of us are just not good with names.  They slip through the cracks.  We have a chance meeting we don’t expect to repeat and thus we don’t commit them to memory.  Or maybe it’s an occasion where you met dozens of people in the same setting and you just don’t have a mental anchor to hang them on.

There are a few dodges to try when you’re face to face with someone you should know that you can use to reveal their name without losing face:

• If it’s an informal relationship, you can always use a colloquialism – whatever’s popular at the time.  “Dude, it’s good to see you again!”  “Hey man!”  “How are you doing, buddy?”.  It doesn’t get you the name, but it keeps you from outright having to ask the name.
• Introduce yourself.  This more or less admits that you’re at a loss, but it isn’t as obvious as “Do I know you…”.  In business settings, I just made it a practice of always shaking hands and saying “Bill Reid”.  If it’s someone I should have known, they will often say “Oh, I know you from…”  And I’d claim momentary stupidity by saying “I know – At these conventions I just get so used to introducing myself at every handshake.”
• In a business setting, you can say “Hey – before I forget, I’ve been meaning to get your business card in my file”.  Hopefully they have one on hand and you can take a quick look.
• If you’re lucky enough to be in a group, you can introduce someone in your party and wait for them to shake hands and announce their name

Of course the best solution is to remember those names up front.  But when memory fails you, these dodges can sometimes save you a bit of embarrassment.

Negative thinking is likely the most damaging thing a person can do to themselves. It has a way of creeping into your thoughts unchecked and making house there. It’s reinforced by popular media. And it’s easy to get on the bandwagon when it’s flaunted by a friend. And it systematically limits your potential and your mental health.

I want to give you some examples of negative thinking and suggest some paths to replacing it with something more positive.

I will be happy when _____

Whether you’re waiting to get out of school, get in a relationship, acquire an amount of money or getting past a problem situation, the result is the same. The goal never gets there. If you think a million dollars will make you happy, be assured the figure will become two million when you get closer to the goal. That’s just the way it works. The mystique of the near-unattainable goal is what drives you, not the hard figures. You can be happy right now. Count your blessings, see the positive side of things. Keep pursuing your goals, but understand that happiness is not connected to them, and never will be.

I wish I were as ____ as _____

Maybe you want to be as attractive/ talented/ wealthy/ popular as a particular peer or celebrity. The truth is, there’s always someone better out there. If you get to a point where you equal your point of comparison, the point of comparison will change. Comparing yourself to others is not a winning proposition. You’ll either never live up to your goals, or you’ll set them too low. The real race is with yourself, learning to be better than you were yesterday and searching for your potential. Comparison points are just mileposts. Work to be a better you.

I can’t do anything right – I’m a failure

Everyone is a failure from a particular point of view. The most successful people fail regularly – but they achieve success because they refuse to let it slow them down. Remember your successes and celebrate them. And understand that when you fail, you’ve simply learned how not to do something and in so doing, made the path to success a little bit clearer.

And keep in mind that everyone thinks like this occasionally. The guy you envy for his sports prowess may be just as jealous of you for your intelligence. The girl you want to be as popular as may envy your stable family life.

Why do bad things always happen to me?

Bad things happen to everyone. It’s part of the natural ebb and flow of life. Everyone has ups and downs. If you’re at a low point, you have to understand that things will get better. If you’re riding high, understand that bad things will eventually come your way. Just make sure it doesn’t hold you back. Keep moving forward and the pain, the hurt, the suffering will eventually pass. Learn from your experience, avoid it next time if you can and grow stronger from the effort. The only losers in life are the ones who quit trying.

I can’t ______

Then you won’t. Simple as that. If you limit yourself in your mind, you won’t ever go beyond that limit. Turn your thinking around and say “I can”. Very, very little is outside the reach of a person who’s motivated to reach a goal. I learned “never say never” when I saw 5′7″ Spud Webb win the 1986 NBA Slam Dunk competition – beating 6′8″ Dominique Wilkins.

Certainly I could go into more depth here.  But the important thing to glean is that negative thinking is an adversary in itself -  just focusing on what you aren’t limits what you can be.

Competition gets drilled into your head at an early age.  You learn to want to be the best – to win the game, have the neatest toys, the best clothes, the nicest car, the starting position, the highest GPA.

Competition can push you to be better, but working with other people toward a common goal can do the same while being sustaining and nurturing.  The approach you take depends on the people you’re involved with.  If they are determined to compete, you have to learn to not take it personally and give your best too.  If they are willing to cooperate, you can not only improve yourself,  but also improve others and develop yourself as a great leader in the process.

• When studying in school, you can hole up in your room, learn the material and get the best grades. Your parents and teachers will appreciate it, but your peers might not.  What if instead you organized group study projects for the class by which you all learned from each other, encouraged each other to succeed and had a great time in the process?
• As an athlete, you could practice relentlessly at home and become better than anyone on your team. You might attract a scout, but if your team isn’t winning, it will be difficult.  What if instead you organized your friends on the team to have small group practices outside of the regular ones, or joined a gym together?  Not only could you be a better player yourself, you could also have a team that’s more capable of getting you attention and some great friends to boot.
• At work, you might research a project in your spare time and come up with a brilliant solution.  But what if instead you enlisted some co-workers to help you? Not only might you deliver a better solution, but it would have more internal support and you’d be recognized for your leadership skills as well as your expertise.  Leadership is more likely to move you up than a particular point of expertise.

There are times for competition – particularly when your peers are not inclined to cooperate.  But when you can make it work, it’s amazing.

This letter isn’t going to have a lot of depth – hopefully I’ll have time to visit each of these subjects in detail at a later time.  But I wanted to give you a quick primer on a topic that will affect you every day of your adult life – finances.

Money isn’t everything, but it’s a necessary evil.  You need it to live on.  It enables you to do the things you want to.  It provides security and confidence.  And managing it is a daily effort.

I’d like to give you some quick bullet points on the absolute need-to-knows about personal finance.  I’m imagining this would be something to start with as you begin to earn money and make your way in the world.  So without further adieu,

What You Absolutely, Positively Need to Understand About Personal Finance

• Responsibility. You have to take control of your financial destiny, or it will take control of you.  If you assert control, you can do what you want, be what you want and have what you want.  If you neglect it, your financial status will determine who you are, what you do and what you have.  It’s that simple.
• Earn.  You’re going to need money.  To get this, you either need to get a job or create value for someone else in exchange for money -i.e., a product or service.  You can go get a job working for someone else and get a regular income and learn valuable skills to apply elsewhere.  You can create a product people want and sell it.  Or you can provide a service.  Neither way is better – it’s all about how you like to work and what drives you.   It would be a good idea to do some of each if possible to help you understand how you like to work – that will make future career decisions easier.
• Budget.  Figure out your obligations and desires and set aside money to cover them.  Don’t spend more than you earn.  Cover the necessities first, then the dreams.  Don’t just stick money in a bank account and wait for it to disappear.  Keep up with what you have and where it’s going.  Don’t ask your parents to bail you out of problem situations – figure out how you’re going to resolve the problem and do it.  This process will also help you understand whether or not you want to be making more money.
• Save. Spend less than what you earn and save some.  10% or 20% is a great goal.  Save for a big purchase, to pay for college or just to have a nest egg to draw on when you need it.  But get used to the idea of having money that you aren’t going to touch for regular expenses.
• Paying bills. You’ll be doing this all your life, so it’s good to get used to it early.  Pay off a car, pay your own insurance or your own subscriptions.  Get used to keeping up with regular bills and paying by check or bank draft.  Keep up with how much you owe and how much interest you could save if you paid it off early. By the time you have significant bills to worry about, you’ll be fit to address them.
• Invest. Part of that savings should be in investments.  Ask your parents or investigate mutual funds, CDs, savings bonds, money markets, “Christmas Clubs” and understand how they work. Then feel the joy of seeing your money work for you instead of vice/versa.
• Frugality. Learn how to compare and evaluate things you want to buy.  Research the differences between products to make a smart decision.  Learn how to take care of your things and make them last. Buy just what you need and avoid waste.  Learn how to make the most of what you have and to understand what’s really important to you vs what you think is important this very minute.  Understand that giving up your morning soda might pay for your Christmas gifts at the end of the year.
• Credit. Learn when it’s necessary and how to use it.  Understand the costs of interest vs paying off your debts.  Learn how to use a credit card and pay it off every month.
• Retirement.  Keep in mind that someday you will stop working or change your work habits and need some funds to fall back on.  Start contributing to a retirement plan your parents can help you set up.  Learn the power of compound interest and enjoy seeing your funds grow.  Remember that just a few dollars a month at a young age will be more valuable than hundreds a month when you’re older.
• Charity. Contribute to a charity that’s meaningful to you and track what they are doing.  Learn to track these things for tax purposes and how to investigate/evaluate charities to make sure your money does the most good.
• Taxes.  Jobs bring taxes.  Although you likely won’t have to pay any, it helps to do your taxes yourself while they’re simple and learn how the system works.

That’s just a primer, but there’s enough good advice in there to get you started on the right path.

One of the most important skills to master in life is critical thinking – the process of asking “why”.  It’s also one of the most difficult skills to acquire because it isn’t taught or encouraged in most life settings.

• In school you’re taught to sit still, be quiet, do your work and don’t ask questions.  You’re required to learn the curriculum whether or not it has any value or meaning for you.  In my school years, we studied textbooks written by mostly white Americans with a decidedly nationalist point of view.  I know of several teachers that in retrospect were not really qualified to teach the subjects they did.  I knew standardized testing did very little to benefit me and everything to benefit the schools’ funding process.  I had to submit to unnecessary disciplinary rules that were designed to keep less mature students in check.  And I would have been in real trouble had I debated these facts with the administration.
• In most workplaces you are to do your job and keep your mouth shut.  You aren’t supposed to question the direction of the company, the morality behind their decisions or the choices of anyone with a superior position.  While every company says they welcome suggestions and criticism, the squeaky wheel tends to get marginalized or replaced.
• In most religions, you’re expected to accept the words coming out of the pulpit without question.  If something doesn’t make sense to you or you think your elders in the faith have made some poor choices, they don’t want to know about it.  Most will entertain your questions, but if you don’t accept the party line in a reasonable amount of time, you’re branded a troublemaker.
• In politics, the persons in power want you to pay your taxes, accept the policy and smile about it.  They will tolerate a bit of activism in a democracy, but only to an extent, and that’s because they have to.

In most cases, people in power want you to be ignorant, naive, trusting, quiet and sedentary – it makes it easier for them to get on with their work and agendas.  Questions take time to answer – sometimes a lot of time – time that they’d rather spend on themselves and their agendas.  When someone wants to get out of line, it slows down the group dynamic and the leader feels they have to go to the extra work of rounding you up and getting you back in line.

But if no one steps out of line, then everyone is bound for the same destination.  A destination that may or may not be the best one.

The fact is, the people who really make a difference in this world do so because they choose to step out of line.  They ask questions.  They ask why something is done in a particular way and why it can’t be done another way. And thus empires are created, records are broken and occasionally, the world is improved.

Even if you don’t desire to be the next revolutionary, critical thinking still becomes paramount in your daily life.  You have to learn to ask questions and find answers in order to find the best life for yourself:

• Popular culture will tell you that you need to buy in to a culture of materialism and celebrity.  Why?  How does that benefit me?
• Financial institutions will tell you that everyone lives on credit and you must also.  Why?  Is it really good for me to be giving them thousands of dollars in interest just to acquire something I don’t really need?
• Fashion media will convince you that you need to look a particular way to fit in.  Why?  Is it really “my image” if I just copy everyone else?  Does the cost of my clothing say anything about the kind of person I am and what I’m capable of?
• Politicians will convince you that our policy is good, just and expedient.  Why?  Is it really necessary for us to be involved in a war?  Do we really need the level of bureaucracy we support, or are we just paying off the politician’s supporters? Isn’t a clean environment/higher minimum wage/local homelessness and hunger more important than yet another road or publicly funded art program?
• Religions will work to convince you that they have a unique line to God.  Why?  Is tradition necessarily right?  How can so many reverent people have such wildly varying approaches to God?  What if my holy book doesn’t make sense to me?
• You yourself will rationalize a lot of things to encourage an immediate desire.  Why?  Is this unhealthy food in front of me really what I want in the long run?  Am I staying in an unhealthy relationship for security that may not exist?  Am I doing something to impress someone I don’t really care about?

The process of critical thinking involves acquiring information and evaluating it to reach a well-justified conclusion or answer.  It’s about asking “why” and using the knowledge you find to come to the best conclusion.

Anything can and should be questioned.