Letters to My Kids

So what do you do?

You’ll hear this question many a time in the process of meeting new people and going new places. It’s a nice safe question that fits well in our American work sensibilities. You are what you do, what you’ve accomplished, how much you get paid for it. And the response is effortless – I’m a student, I’m a business owner, I’m a computer programmer.

But how you respond speaks to your self-image and purpose as well.

If you consider yourself a student, that means you’re someone who goes to class, tries to get good grades and has an intention of getting a degree and going on to something else – someday. There’s a reason people have such a crisis picking a major. Why they choose their colleges according to team loyalties, or where their friends are going. Why the lure of mindless entertainment can seem to overcome the need to prepare for an exam. If you see yourself as a student, your vision ends there. What will you do after graduation? What should you be doing to prepare for your future? Where will you be a few years from now? If you don’t really think of yourself as anything but a student, there’s little chance of you being anything else.

But what if you thought of yourself in different terms? What if instead of a student, you were an accountant in training? Or a business owner in the very early start up stages? Changes your outlook, doesn’t it? Suddenly you have a reason for what you’re doing beyond the immediacy of just doing it. You understand why you need to learn the material, and what you’ll use it for. You have a goal in mind for your educational pursuits and with research, can find a school that has a program that takes you toward your goals, instead of just wherever your friends are going.

I have been a computer programmer/technologist most of my life. I enjoy writing code, working with software and creating systems. There’s also a lot about the job I don’t enjoy – long hours, lots of uninteresting support work, the inevitable problem you just can’t seem to solve, having to work with outdated technologies, etc. Comparing the things I like about it with the things I don’t, it’s not a very even balance. Not a lot of joy there.

But the code isn’t an end to itself – it’s what the code does for people. It solves problems. It makes things easier and faster. It makes it feasible to keep up with things you wouldn’t bother with without the assistance of the software. And the things people do with that code produces meaningful results in the world. So I don’t really consider myself a computer programmer. I make it possible for people to get the news they need every day, without fail. I help people maintain their businesses. I help people keep up with their loved ones. I help people form opinions about the world that influences the way they vote and in doing so, affect the political process in my corner of the world. I also help get employees get home to enjoy their families, enjoy their lives.

It makes a difference to really know what you do. It gives you purpose, it helps you through the times that aren’t so fun and it helps you to have a better understanding of what’s valuable and what’s negotiable.

So again, what do you do?

Shyness can be a real hurdle sometimes. I think everyone has some degree of timidity in their system, but when it becomes restrictive of what you can achieve, it becomes a real problem. Public performance, making friends, standing up for your convictions… shyness can become a real barrier to a positive life if you allow it to control you.

There are a few basic techniques I’ve adopted in life to combat shyness; hopefully one or more will be helpful to you.

Being comfortable is the easiest step. Even the shyest people have settings that they feel comfortable in. Often the most timid people will become completely outgoing in a setting they feel safe in. One way you can combat shyness is to bring some element of the settings you feel comfortable in to the problem situation. Maybe it’s having a friend in the audience in a public performance. Maybe it’s a personal item – a “security blanket” that can empower you. Maybe it’s simply drawing enough energy from your preferred setting prior to the situation to help you stay in control.

You can also make an effort to disconnect negative thoughts. Identify your negative feelings about the situation and replace them with more positive ones. For example, at a party you might be tempted to think “what if I say something dumb”, or “what if I’m not dressed right”, or “what if they think I don’t belong”. In doing so, you tend to create a self fulfilling prophecy – if you’re worried that people will think you don’t belong, you’ll probably prompt them to think just that. What you need to do is replace those ideas with positive ones, and repeat them enough to let them soak in. Instead of fearing you’ll be out of place at a party, think about all the great people you might meet that will think you’re great, too. Instead of living in fear of forgetting your lines in a play, focus on how great it will be to perform and hear the approval of the crowd. Visualizing positive results is half the effort to getting them.

Pump yourself up for the occasion. Stroke your ego and convince yourself that you’re not only appropriate for the situation, but superior to it. Why worry about what the audience of a play thinks – after all, you’re much better than them because you had the nerve to be in the performance instead of the audience. Play a recital with confidence; after all, most of the people out there couldn’t play “Chopsticks” if you held a gun to their heads – you’re much more talented than them, at any rate. Why worry what people think about you personally, seeing as how intelligent, accomplished and superior you are to them anyway? You don’t want to live your life embracing an illusion, but in the short term you can often get over feelings of insecurity by building yourself up to being a bit larger than life.

The best tool for beating shyness is simply being confident in yourself and your abilities – which is the natural result of always working to be the best you can be. Setting goals for yourself and achieving them. Living with integrity.