Letters to My Kids

Buddhists seek something they call Zen, a state of enlightenment by which you are as in-touch with the universe around you as you can possibly get. Maybe you get the image of fantastic visions, or superhuman feats of concentration, or some sort of undefined peace that surrounds and engulfs you, allowing you to connect to worlds beyond the material.

In practice, Zen is nothing like that.

Some psychologists did a study in which they hooked a number of people up to machines to record their brain activity, and put a ticking clock in the room with them. Most people’s EEG readings indicated that their brains reacted to the stimulus for a few seconds, then it failed to register. But the Buddhist monks kept recognizing the tick every time it happened. There was a lot of confusion over that reaction, but to the knowledgeable, the solution was obvious. The Buddhists simply paid more attention to their lives.

The world around us seems to conspire to keep our lives hectic. People convince themselves that they need big experiences, interesting distractions at every moment of their lives. We fill our homes with background noise to keep out the quiet and juggle multiple projects at nearly every waking hour. We’re bred to be thrillseekers, to make the next experience bigger and better than the last.

But you’ll find that big experiences wear off pretty quickly. People work themselves into a religious fervor at a retreat only to find that next week they can’t even get excited about going to their church. They start with mild drugs and progress steadily toward harder ones, looking for the better high. Multi-millionaires keep looking for that next million. You can find distraction easily, but not satisfaction.

A personal story – when I was a young guitar player early in high school I lusted after a particular brand of guitar that was far beyond anything I could afford. I watched the brand develop over the years and long considered it the crowning achievement of instruments. If I could ever have one of those, I would get rid of all my others – because I’d have the very best and that would be all I needed. Many years later as an adult I had a chance to buy one that was very gently used. That was it. I had reached the pinnacle. I would be getting rid of my inferior guitars to concentrate on this one alone. To make a long story short, I now have three of those, as well as most of my older ones and some other brands I’ve bought since. While the thrill of meeting my longtime dream held me for a while, it was not long until it was commonplace as well, and I was looking for the next thrill.

There’s another Zen proverb I heard where a student meditated for years to attempt to achieve Zen and finally experienced a fantastic vision. He shared it eagerly with his teacher, who told him it was his imagination. Later the same day in conversation, he shared the experience of eating an orange, how he noticed in detail how cool and sweet and flavorful it was. That, the teacher said, was enlightenment.

If you really take a closer look at your ordinary, boring life, you’ll discover something wonderful. Our lives are incredibly joyful. All around us there is beauty, love and understanding. Even the most common tasks can be experienced with joy beyond any purchased thrill you could manage.

For example, most of us avoid spending time alone, and if we do, we fill it with every sort of distraction we can manage. But try spending a couple of hours alone with no distractions. Take a nice walk and notice the beauty of the landscape, the sounds it generates, the creatures you run across. Notice the strength of your own body, the rejuvenating power of a deep breath. The pleasure of the sun on your face. Stoop and look at the incredible variety of materials that makes up the ground you walk on, the taste of the wind when rain is in the air.

I have always been a big music fan, and one of my favorite activities as a pre-teen was to turn out the lights, lie down in front of my speakers, close my eyes and listen to a favorite album all the way through. A lot of my friends thought it was weird, but it was my way of giving it my full focus. I got to experience the music thoroughly, and it was literally a growth experience for me. I heard all the subtleties that get drowned out when you’re only giving the music half your attention, and to this day I can mentally construct those albums note for note in my head.

The world around us, the relationships we share, the thoughts we construct can be the most joyful of experiences if we will slow down long enough to experience it. There’s nothing wrong with being a busy person, with doing great things or having once in a lifetime experiences. But make sure you’re not discounting the experiences at hand in anticipation of a “better” one to come.

This moment has never come before, and will never come again. There is something unique and thrilling about every one of them. The life you’re living right now has joys that many will never know. Do yourself the favor of getting to know them.

If you’ve got an assignment, the easiest and fastest way to get it done is to do it in one pass.

A lot of times we can fool ourselves into thinking we’re more efficient by splitting a project up in little parts and chipping away at them as we have time to do so. When you have a research paper, you’re probably tempted to get together your sources one day, then outline another, then make notes another and write in a couple of passes.

The problem is reloading. Every time you take a break and clear your mind of the material, you have to reload it in order to get back into the game. That means about 15-20 minutes of every session is basically wasted getting back into the mental state you need to be in. The first time you head for the library for that research paper, you’ll find it really easy – you’ll probably finish sooner than you intended and take advantage of the free time. When you come back to outlining, you’ll probably need to get back into the frame of mind where you constructed your thesis, and you’ll likely find some holes in your outline that you’ll need to go back to find more sources for. The next session you’ll start taking notes and it will take some time to remember exactly why you put part of the outline together, and you’ll wonder about what you were thinking of when you thought you needed a particular source. When you start writing, you’ll spend some time deciphering your own notes, probably re-arranging the outline or looking for some examples or illustrations that will send you back for more sources. When you take a break from writing, you’ll need time to get back into the flow of thoughts, and you might go back and change your original statements to better support the latter ones. All in all, you’ll probably spend 5 hours writing the paper and 3 just getting caught up – whereas you could have given it 5 hours in a row and been finished with it.

You may notice that your parents do a good bit of this multi-tasking. And it’s a good process, when you’ve got material that doesn’t really require your mind that much. It doesn’t take reloading time to pay some bills, run an errand, take care of a simple communication. You’ll get lots of “busy work”, and multi-tasking is a great way to get those things accomplished without a big effort.

But when you get down to a task that requires you to really use your brain, the longer you can stay in that “zone”, the better. At least, that’s the way it worked best for me.

Self-confidence is key to achieving your goals, gaining popularity and keeping yourself motivated. Simply believing you can accomplish something will often give you the momentum to do so, whereas constantly doubting your abilities will invariably bring about failure.

Remember that self-confidence is not bravado. Anyone can sound off to themselves or others and declare themselves to be an outstanding person. And to a degree, it can even carry you somewhere in the eyes of others. But without a thorough confidence in yourself, you’ll be constantly pulled down by the nagging voice of your conscience saying that you’ll fail. You need to feel good about yourself and your abilities without requiring any sort of self-deception in order to reap the benefits.

A few suggestions toward self-confidence:

• Make promises to yourself and keep them. Set little goals and achieve them. Nothing builds self confidence like achievement.

• Refer to yourself in positive terms. Emphasize what you can do, not what you can’t. And what you genuinely can’t do, refer to as something you haven’t done or never tried yet.

• Look at yourself in the mirror every morning and recognize your good points. Behavioralists say that most people underestimate their personal appearance by as much as 25% compared to public opinion. So don’t sell yourself short. Walk out knowing you’re an attractive person.

• Stay away from negative influences. If people talk you down, recognize that it’s an attempt to bring you down, not a statement of fact. Avoid the people that tend to devalue you. Similarly alternate spending your time with people who make you feel good about yourself and people you respect and want to emulate.

• Remember that nobody is perfect, everyone is a beginner at something, and no one gets it right the first time. Everyone has insecurities – even the most successful people. If you fail, it’s generally because you just haven’t had enough practice.

• Wear clothes that make you feel good – clothes that are comfortable and project the image you want others to see. A fun observation is to notice how many more people call you “sir” or “ma’am” when you wear a suit. It can up your confidence significantly if you feel like your clothes represent you. But make sure they fit well and allow for movement so you don’t get caught in the trap of pulling at your collar.

• Be careful who you trust, and only share your secrets with the closest of friends. Friendships sometimes break, and it can really shatter your confidence to have all your deep dark secrets paraded out in front of your peers.

• Never compromise your principles, even to maintain a relationship or career. This defeats you thoroughly inside, and it’s difficult to recover. Once you know that you can’t trust yourself not to sell out, it’s hard to regain that trust.

• Exercise. Good fitness boosts self confidence immensely. You feel better about the way you carry yourself, you’re not bogged down by excessive weight, and you have energy in store.

• Avoid addictions. Knowing you have a monkey on your back, whether its hard drugs or caffeine, keeps you in the frame of mind that you’re not your own master. Overcome them.

Be confident. You have a unique gift to give to the world, so give it.

Of Jocks and Nerds

Around age 12, or the beginnings of junior high, a kid’s life changes radically. Up until this point, your life is mostly dominated by parents. Although you care about what your peers think, your family is really where your whole life centers. But beginning in junior high, kids start creating a new world among themselves to involve themselves in. Family becomes a secondary consideration, and standing in this new world of their peers is what matters. Popularity readily becomes the standard to bear.

The problem is, the world that you create is a very cruel one. It sequesters itself into little groups of people that are all seeking to be popular. It’s the new value in their lives, and kids are anxious to get it. And the easiest way to make yourself feel more popular is to make other people less popular.

People persecute other people because it’s an easy way to make them feel better about themselves. By mistreating someone “below” their own status, they feel like they are re-emphasizing their own “above” status. And singling out a person as “out” of the group creates solidarity among those who consider themselves “in” – i.e., if you’re persecuting an outsider, you must be an insider.

It’s nothing personal. There’s usually no hatred involved – it’s just a matter of social survival. People band together to pick on someone else not because they dislike them, but they need someone to push down in order to convince themselves that they’re moving up. Did you ever notice the most popular people are not the ones picking on others? It’s because they’re already at the top and they don’t have to stoop to such tactics. The persecution you see is from the kids a little lower down who are desperately concerned about their status and working to justify or improve it.

I don’t know which end of the stick you’ll find yourself on. Maybe you’re a popular person that everyone wants to be. Maybe you’re the nerd getting picked on by everyone else. Maybe you’re somewhere in the middle. But I wanted to give you some advice that I hope will be worthwhile wherever you stand.

• Remember that this world you create is not real. School is a strange little microcosm that doesn’t really parallel real life. The things that happen here don’t happen elsewhere. In the real world, harassing someone else can lead to jail time. The real world is big enough that people find others like them and band together to form their own societies where they feel welcome and comfortable. And at some point, people grow up enough to realize that what their peers think is not nearly as important as what you do with your life. Nowhere else in the world is a society ruled by girls who can shake pom-poms and guys who chase a ball. So don’t put a lot of stock in the values created here. Don’t assume popularity here is going to continue somewhere else. Picking on someone doesn’t mean one is better than another, and it’s not likely to continue outside this little world.

• Some people will not fit well in this little world you and your peers have created. It’s not the world at large. If you don’t fit in, it’s not because something’s wrong with you. Often, it can be because you’re just more advanced than your peers. Maybe you’re really more ready for the adult world than everyone else. Or maybe you’re a little more attracted to developing your own unique skills than making other people like you. Being out of place doesn’t mean you’re worse off than everyone else – you might actually be better off. The best thing to do is to work at being the best you can be at the things you enjoy. Whether that’s something nerdy or cool.

• Nerds are not losers – in many cases, they’re working on getting the right answers or developing the right skills for the next stage. They’re often just playing a different game. Popular people are not necessarily superficial – sometimes they are just particularly attuned to social situations. They are likely to be the marketers and facemen of the next generation. And people who opt out and form their own little tribes aren’t always antisocial – sometimes they just don’t like the system they’ve been forced into and try to find a way to not participate.

• This world is going to be frustrating, no matter which caste you belong to. You’re going to spend a lot of time memorizing meaningless information, doing pointless work, or practicing for something that’s so far in the future it’s practically meaningless, and learning to navigate a complex social system that has no basis in reality and will not be repeated. It’s a frustrating situation, and you’re going to feel miserable at times. So don’t let it get you down if you don’t seem to fit – and don’t get too confident if you do fit. This is not a normal situation, so you shouldn’t put a lot of confidence in it. The best thing to do is to put confidence in yourself, and try to get yourself ready for the next step by improving yourself at every opportunity.

• Remember that this is all temporary. Sure, when you’re in school it seems like you will be there forever. But it’s actually a very short time. Before long, the groups will change, people will move on. The ones who are “out” may very well be “in” before long. People stop laughing at nerds when they get to college and become TAs and tutors standing between you and a passing grade – and walk off with the best job offers. Or when their art gets presented professionally, or their band becomes popular. And starting quarterbacks/head cheerleaders can have a hard time dealing with it when they can’t make the cut in a college of 20,000 vs a high school of 500. Be the best you can be so you’re ready for the next step. And don’t be discouraged by what others think of you. Their minds will change down the road.

• In school, how well known you are, how easily you make conversation, how athletic you are, how many parties you were invited to and how many awards you won are for the most part, worth very little in the outside world. All that matters in the real world is having the right answers. Knowing how to do business gains you wealth and power. Knowing how to create things gains you attention and personal satisfaction. Knowing how to be a genuine person gains you respect and support. The nerds of today are often the leaders of tomorrow. So it pays to develop real skills and to gain the support of everyone around you.

• Picking on other people says one thing – someone is insecure enough about themselves to go to insensible extremes to justify themselves. If you’re picking on others, you’re proving nothing but your own lack of confidence. The REALLY cool kids don’t need to pick on others. And if you’re being picked on, it’s not because you’re not valuable or worthwhile. You just happened to get in the line of fire. Don’t take it so seriously. It won’t last forever.

• Everybody ends up on the wrong side of the popularity stick at some point. In some setting, or with some group, at some point in time even the star quarterback and head cheerleader will find themselves feeling left out. Nobody fits seamlessly into every group. It’s a common affliction. The more you work on treating people equally and not playing favorites, the more groups you will find yourself fitting into.

• Everyone has the opportunity to grow. If you find yourself on the receiving end of mistreatment, you can get yourself out of it. You can put yourself out of easy reach for the persecutors, or you can choose to advance your popularity and join their ranks. Or you can completely ignore the system and work on developing your personal talents and skills, which will eventually pay off in terms of respect. You can make yourself into what you want to be.

• Be careful with what you are willing to do in order to achieve a level of popularity. A lot of kids will resort to destructive behaviour, alcohol/drugs, radically changing their appearance or personality and destroying constructive relationships all in the name of impressing a few inconsequential peers. There are things in life that are genuinely valuable, that should be non-negotiable. Integrity. Family. Friendship. Personal excellence. Listen to what your parents value and what they encourage. Likely, these are the things that are going to continue to be worth something after the facade of school passes.

It’s hard to see these things when you’re right there in the middle of them, but try to pause the world and look at the big picture. School is a tiny fraction of your life that won’t be repeated. So worry about and work on the things that matter in the long term.

Popularity

How do you become popular?

Especially in school popularity can seem like the most desirable yet unattainable ring to grab. People obsess over it, becoming deeply depressed at the lack of it and violently protective of it once attained. It can almost seem like the popular kids have a certain halo about them that you must be born into to attain.

The truth is, it’s relatively easy to obtain, if you so desire it. Popularity is a skill that you develop just like playing an instrument, or playing a sport. And while some people seem to come to it naturally or have the fortune to be brought into it by default, anyone can achieve it with the right mindset.

But you do need to understand that popularity is not friendship. Although you will likely develop friendships, you have to understand that being popular does not mean being everyone’s best friend – or anyone’s. You can make yourself popular, but you can’t make yourself someone’s friend. You are not shooting for intimate relationships, but superficial ones with a lot of people. You are building an image, not connections with other people.

As a result, popularity will not exclude loneliness, or feeling disconnected. Matter of fact, filling your life with a lot of casual relationships at the expense of intimate ones is likely to make you more lonely. You’ll also need to sacrifice a degree of individuality in order to make yourself more connectable, which at times can really make you feel lost.

Popularity is also a job – it requires a lot of work to maintain the image you build and the associations you form. You can’t reasonably expect to remain popular unless you’re working to be popular. You are going to have to commit yourself to maintaining that status, or you’ll see it slip soon. And it’s going to take some time to build – you can’t expect to be the class darling in a month’s time. And it’s somewhat anti-climatic – you probably won’t really realize it when you achieve it.

It’s also something that has a limited value. Popularity is really most important to people in junior high and high school, and in college to a lesser degree. After those years, it doesn’t have quite the same draw. Also, when you meet a new peer group – such as changing schools, or going to college – you’ll have to start back at square one again.

By now, maybe you’re thinking popularity is not what you thought it to be – maybe not even desirable. It’s certainly not wrong to not desire to be popular. A set of intimate, supportive friendships can be infinitely more rewarding than being in the middle of the crowd by yourself. I spent a bit of time as a popular person and chose instead to go the other route – and the friendships I formed I still hold dear. But there are occasions when popularity is what you want – running for office, building support for some project, etc. So, if you do find yourself in such a situation where you want to be popular, here’s some tips on how to go about becoming a popular person.

• First, determine that you want to be popular. One of the big secrets of the popularity contest is that a lot of people are unpopular because they don’t value it. Sure, it seems unbelievable – who doesn’t want to be popular? But a lot of smart and talented kids prefer being smart and talented to being popular. When it would really benefit them to be a “normal person” instead of a standout, they choose being a standout instead. Nothing wrong with this – in fact, I think it’s a better way to go. But you have to understand that standing out from the crowd will not make you popular with some people. They’re more comfortable believing that everyone is on the same playing field, and your outstanding performance will upset that balance. So before you get yourself involved, you have to believe that being popular is more important than being outstanding.

• Next, pick the crowd you want to be popular with. Popularity is not about being individually attractive or admired, it’s about forming alliances with others, and respecting those alliances. It may be an elite few that others recognize as popular. If you’re seeking popularity as a backing for leading your class or group, it may include everyone in your class or at your school. Just remember that the more people you include, the more you’ll need to work to maintain that group – so be realistic about the effort you’re willing to expend. Make sure that those people are the focus of your attention, and that they know your loyalties lie with them. And work to include everyone in that group. Pretend you’re running for office, and you’re trying to get the vote of each person in the group you’re working yourself into. If there are people you aren’t connecting to, you won’t have their “vote” for popularity, or their influence in bringing others across. Look for opportunities to spend time with all of them, and make those experiences positive so that everyone will want to repeat them.
• Now, understand the key to becoming part of this group – divide and conquer.  One of the reasons people keep others out of their groups is because they themselves are concerned about their standing in the group.   They personally might not have problems being friendly with you and letting you “in” the group, but if others in the group are not, they will follow suit in order to keep their own standing in the group. If you can become friendly with a certain percentage of people in the group, you will be friendly with the group.  Find situations when these individuals are away from the group and in another setting and become friendly with them.  Some great opportunities are sitting by someone in a class (particularly a class where most of the group is not present), while participating in a sport, or working together in a club or job. Once you’ve won over several of them individually, they can accept you into the group because they will no longer feel the pressure.  If you’ve made friends with most of the people in the group individually and then take steps to join the group as a whole, you’ve built  a consensus among them and no one will object.  It’s very political, and very easy to subvert, given that you’re willing to put in the time.
• Self confidence is the key to being popular with any individual or group. You have to carry yourself as if you have the utmost confidence in your abilities, your worth and your value. If you’re a little shy or timid, or lack self-confidence, gentle bravado will work just as well. The basic idea you want to project constantly is that you’re just as valuable as anyone else. Not above or below them. You’re “A-Team” material. No one is “out of your reach” to date. You’re going to succeed at whatever you choose to do. Don’t show fear or a lack of confidence in yourself. Don’t behave in an arrogant fashion; that turns people off. But don’t feel insecure or less than confident at any point. Or at least, don’t let anyone believe you feel that way. You have to believe you’re on the level of the people you’re seeking to join in order for them to believe it.
• Like people. So simple, but so difficult for some to understand. People won’t like you if you don’t like them. So like them. Spend time with other people and enjoy it. Don’t eat by yourself – or do anything by yourself if possible. This is really difficult if you don’t necessarily like the personalities of the people you’re trying to influence. But, the more time you spend with people, the more connections you make. And if you genuinely like spending time with people, they’ll like you as well. Start up conversations with people, or join existing groups. Get included in exclusive activities. Don’t be pushy, or try to force your way in. But involve yourself – don’t be content to be a bystander. There will always be plenty of “hangers-on” that try to be around the popular crowd, but tend to stand on the outside of the group without contributing – this won’t work, so make sure you make yourself a part of the group, and not just around it. Make sure your voice is heard, and it’s one people will like. This can be really difficult if you’re naturally introverted, but you can learn to work around those tendencies. I’ll try to give you some advice on that later.
• Emphasize things in common. The most common mistake people make when trying to get others to like them is to attempt to impress them. Wearing better clothes, or driving a nicer car, or relating experiences or skills they’ve never had will impress some people, but it won’t make them like you. People will find themselves drawn toward the familiar. So popularity will come easier if you’re more or less like the people you want to like you. Same basic details. Wear similar clothes, drive similar cars, spend time doing the things they do. Keep up with the same sports, or bands, or activities so that you have something to talk about. Involve yourself in the things they like. And if you can’t, give them the impression you would if you could. People are really comfortable with the idea that we’re all just alike, and people who stand out from the crowd too much will find themselves less popular than those who sit on the inside. Being admired and being liked are not the same thing. Impressing people won’t make them include you.
• Have something unique. It’s always great to have a little something unique to help people keep you in front of mind. Maybe it’s a skill, or a habit, or a look, or an attitude. Don’t overemphasize it, but keep it where people know about it. For me, it was being a guitar player. I also had a pretty distinctive car – a ‘66 Mustang. But it can be as simple as always drinking a unique soft drink, or chewing some special brand of gum that no one else does, or a unique item of clothing that’s a bit different. You don’t want your unique point to be too far away from the norm, but you want it to be something no one else has. That gives people a mental cue to think of you. In my case, everyone knew my car, so they knew where I was, or recognized me on the road. And when someone asked about me, it was easy to say “oh he plays in this band” or something similar. Once again, you’re trying to be like everyone else, but your one unique point can give people a mental hook when your name comes up.

Basically, you’ll be popular when a sufficient number of people believe they’ll have a good experience with you when you are around. And to do that, they’ll need to not feel threatened by you and expect to have a good time with you when you’re around them. You may really not recognize when you’re there – there’s no definitive event or signal that you’ve become popular. But you will have a good idea of it by how often these people seek to include you in what they do.

Personally, I think the best way to go about life is to be the best person you can be, and to keep yourself open and available to positive relationships as they come along. It will put some people off, but I think it makes you a better person and better prepares you for a life of success by emphasizing your abilities and surrounding you with other people who try to be their best. I also think it’s a more rewarding path to follow.

I was really hesitant to offer this letter, because I think popularity as an end to itself is not very rewarding. It’s often a very shallow accomplishment and a hollow victory. As an end to itself, I can’t really recommend it. But I wanted to lay this out for a couple of reasons. First, to “expose” the popularity race a little bit and maybe help you see how transparent and shallow it actually is. And secondly, to give you an idea of how to do it if you really feel the calling to take this route. Better to do it the right way and get the top as fast as possible, so it doesn’t drain your entire school career playing around it. And finally, because sometimes you can use this advice in moderation to drum up the support of other people without losing your own direction in life.

So, if you do find that you desire popularity above anything else, or if you need to get the support of other people in a new setting, these are some pretty good steps to get there.

What is school all about? Learning.

Really insightful advice, huh? But there’s a little more to it than the standard battery of classes you have to pass in order to get your sheepskin. As a matter of fact, those are the easy lessons. They’re on a schedule, with predefined goals published and regularly tracked and constant feedback provided each step of the way. But there are a lot of other things to be learned during these years, many without hard goals or any form of supervision. But they’re just as critical as your classes; perhaps even more.

Here’s my thoughts on what you need to learn during your school years. Your focus will shift a bit as you move through the grades, but you’ll constantly be involved in these to some degree.

• The required curriculum. You will need to achieve a particular grade level in order to be recognized as qualified for the next step up. Pass/fail is not what you should be looking for. Rather, you need to be looking at a level of achievement appropriate to the next step you want to take. If you want to go to a particular college, you need a GPA that will facilitate that, along with the appropriate courses. And if you want in an exclusive school, you need a GPA that makes you stand out above all the other people who will be applying. It works similarly if the next step you’re seeking is a job.
• Your core competencies. You probably won’t know what you want to do with your life as a teenager, but you may have some ideas. Science may appeal to you, or math. You need an extended knowledge of subjects that are going to be at the core of your future education, as I mentioned earlier. Something that goes beyond the grade requirements. If you really have no clue, make sure you have solid basics all around. Know business math, english composition, basic earth science, etc.
• Communication. You need to learn how to put your ideas across confidently and clearly. Learn how to speak confidently in front of others. Learn how to write well and make sure your spelling/grammar is perfect. Learn how to communicate effectively with people with different levels of education, social class, personality type. Learn how to persuade, how to inform, how to support and how to dodge an issue.
• Teamwork. Learn how to work with people in a group, regardless of whether you like them or have anything in common with them. Team sports are great for this, but you need to also learn how to work with people on an intellectual level.
• Independance. Learn to value your own opinion and take responsibility for yourself. Don’t wait for a teacher to tell you that you need better mastery of a subject, or a coach to tell you you’re lagging somewhere. Be self-aware enough to understand your strengths and weaknesses before anyone else gets wind of them. And similarly, know yourself well enough to understand that you don’t need everyone’s approval in order to be your own person.
• Friendship. Learn how to pick the kind of friends that will make you a better person. Learn how to trust them and be trustworthy for them. And learn how to have a great time with them without compromising yourself in other areas.
• Social skills. Learn how to fit in with whatever group you are with. Learn how to build loyalty among your closest friends, and how to not feel lost when you’re put into situations with strangers. Learn how to make friends and how to make “small talk” with strangers. And learn how to deal with people you just don’t like in a non-confrontational manner.
• Leadership. Learn to take control of things at times and how to get other people to buy into your leadership. Learn how to take initiative and convince other people to go along with you. And make sure you deliver on those things so that people will be inclined to follow you in the future.
• Responsibility. Learn to stand up and be responsible for yourself first of all, and then expand that responsibility. Do what the others won’t commit to and deliver. Keep your promises to others and yourself. And learn to recognize how keeping promises is more valuable that incidental pleasures derived from shirking it.
• Dealing with pressure. Learn how to take on responsibility and deliver on it, while keeping a cool head. Learn how to deal with stressful situations and how to keep your priorities straight. Stress is a lot like a strong wind behind a kite – deal with it poorly and it will twist and tear you. Deal with it positively, and it will take you even farther.
• Maturity. Learn to recognize the value in living with integrity. Learn when it’s OK to be frivolous and silly and when it’s not. Learn what’s of real value in the world and what’s negotiable. And learn to recognize the maturity level of people around you, so you can deal with them more effectively.

I’m sure there are more, but I really consider these the core competencies.

Remember that most of these do not have a defined curriculum like your schoolwork. It’s going to take insight on your part to decide how to develop these skills and unsupervised work to put them together. It will take a lot of visualization and mental rehearsing. It will take a lot of failures and learning from your mistakes. And it’s going to require you to be bright enough to see where you could do better, and enthusiasm to be the best you can be.

But don’t neglect them. They’re critical to becoming the kind of person you want to be. No one will fail you because you didn’t happen to have a best friend in school. But you will certainly feel the loss for years to come.

One of the biggest time wasters in school is having to relearn something you didn’t learn properly the first time. A lot of time what a student considers studying is actually making up for a previous failure to learn the material. They don’t quite get the concept presented and are too timid or distracted to get clarification. Usually it comes back to bite them when a new concept is introduced that builds on the old one.

If you don’t understand something you were taught in class, fix it as soon as possible. Do whatever it takes to learn it before you have to continue on. Ask questions in class, ask another student, ask the teacher after class. Reinforce it during your study time. But get it before you move forward. If you don’t, you’re just setting up a situation in which any future lessons with roots in the confusion will add to the problem.

Test should just be a formality. If you are paying attention in class and processing the material, you should be ready to be tested immediately. Preparing for tests should be nothing more than refreshing your memory.

So pay attention in class. Don’t daydream your way through it, or spend time trying to socialize without getting caught, or drawing comics in your notebook or whatever. Even if the teacher tells you this material is covered in the book, don’t depend on being able to pick it up later. Learn it right then, while you’re there.

On the other hand, not every class you take is going to challenge you. Sometimes teachers babble and run on. Sometimes they reiterate material you already know, or spend too much time highlighting a concept you’ve already grasped.

If you aren’t learning during class, you’re wasting time that could be used for other pursuits. If a class is challenging, sit up front and soak it all up – ask questions and challenge the teacher’s responses. If it doesn’t challenge you, sit at the back and make use of the time. Do homework for other classes, draw or write creatively and pop back in occasionally to see if anything worthwhile was said. If the teacher is one likely to notice your distraction and call you out for it, pick up the textbook and study the material on your own. This is a great way to knock out those tedious homework assignments and free up time for yourself elsewhere.

It’s all about having your priorities in the right place and being responsible enough to manage them.

After that enthusiastic post on being above average, I will completely contradict myself by telling you that sometimes, it’s OK not to do your best.

This is really dangerous advice I’m offering you, because it requires a lot of maturity to use effectively. Use this advice like you’d use a loaded gun. There’s a time and place to make use of it, but it’s not often and you really want to be careful each step of the way.

A lot of school is simply unnecessary. It’s good to know some basic world history, but unless you plan to be a researcher or an academic, knowing what date some event occurred is not likely to get you anywhere in the world. A required shop class is not going to be particularly valuable if your desire is to be an accountant (although you might get a nice hobby out of it). If you’re a hardcore math guy, Shakespeare may just not be the thing to help you along. And if you’re playing a sport or doing something in your own time to stay in shape, a Phy Ed course is not what you need at this time.

Again, I warn you. In your teens, you’re tempted to wonder how any of this is going to help you, so be careful. English Composition is valuable even if you don’t become a professional writer because it helps you learn to communicate fluently – a requirement in most any field. Basic math skills are a fundamental you will need all of your life, even when a calculator is available. And literary greats are great because they told a story the world needed to hear – a story that might inspire you to greater things, or give you better insight on the human condition.

But in the end, there are only so many hours in the day, and it can sometimes be wasteful expending yourself for subject matter that’s inconsequential when your time could be better spent elsewhere. And the assignments provided can often be helpful in ways you cannot immediately see. But if you’ve got a grip on what you want to explore in life, and a required class just doesn’t seem to be valuable to it, you need to handle it differently.

Whether consequential or inconsequential, you need to define some goals for each class you have to take. Is this a subject you really need or want to learn thoroughly? Is it something that’s required, but you don’t think it’s of long term value to you? Do you know the teacher? Are they the kind of teacher that makes learning even the dull subjects a joy, or is it a situation where you might as well have just spent your time with the textbook?

• For some classes, you may want to master the material. If you want to go into a science field, you really should master science and math classes. That entails going beyond what it takes to get an A. That means you study the material until you genuinely understand how it works and how it applies to the world. Here’s a tip. If you can’t create your own “trick” questions for a test, you don’t really understand the subject thoroughly.
• For some classes, you may just want a grade. That means putting the time and effort in to score high enough on the tests. Memorization and cramming will work well here. This is what the average student considers to be top performance.
• If you’re planning to go on to a higher education, you may single some teachers out for future letters of recommendation. That means a performance somewhere between the preceding two options, but ensuring that your extra work is evident to the teacher – either through extra credit assignments or asking the right questions. This is really more about making the teacher respect you than learning the material – although you’ll have to do a bit of learning to gain their respect.

With that in mind, you can prioritize the time you spend in study. Some studies are just going to be worth more to you than others. You won’t spend an equal time studying each subject. And each study is just not equally valuable. Some teachers are homework happy and give you loads of tedious repetition to try to drum things in the heads of below average students. If your grade point average can handle it, you may want to accept a grade below what you can accomplish in order to spend your time with a subject you’re really working to master. If you estimate it will take 20 hours to turn in an A paper and 10 hours to turn in a B paper, and you really need that 10 hours in another subject, it may be a fair trade-off.

Just keep in mind that anyone who looks at school records (colleges applied to, some employers) frowns at C and below grades. So you don’t want to see your efforts fall that low in any situation, if at all possible.

In the end, it’s all about freedom and consequences. You’re in charge of your academic experience. Don’t feel like you have to do every assignment just because the teacher thinks it’s a good idea. But recognize the consequences of your decision, and don’t make a dumb decision that will hamper you elsewhere.

Don’t shoot for the averages.

How compelling a person would Michael Jordan be if he had just been a solid player on his high school team? How many people would have paid attention to Jimi Hendrix if he had been satisfied with being a good background player behind a singer?

Now think for a minute about some things that you can do that the average person can’t – whether that’s unique knowledge, or a capacity to learn, or a developed skill. Would you be pleased with the picture of yourself without those gifts?

One of the pitfalls you have to watch out for in school is falling into the trap of averages. In college you’re encouraged to take a certain number of units as a “full” schedule, when that may be only a fraction of your capacity. Classes often have prerequisites, which tend to be there to make sure below average students have enough of a headstart to pass the higher course. Some schools limit activities because some kids can’t juggle more than a couple of tasks without losing it. All of them operate on the default principle that it will take you x number of years to complete the work required for a degree.

You might make the mistake of seeing this as your easy road to success. If you’re capable of doing 2x or 3x the work required, then just doing x will be effortless. That’s a lot of the mindset I occupied in school – why study for hours to get an A when I can skip the study altogether and make a B+?

The problem is that going for the average makes you more average.

If you want to build muscles, you do so my exerting them beyond their regular capacity. If you want to get smarter, you do so by tackling problems that you’ve never experienced before. If you want to develop a skill, you do so by practice – in other words, trying to do it over and over when most people have given up.

And if you want your life to be above average, you have to be committed to going beyond what’s expected.

How does that apply to school? Here’s a few suggestions:

• Never be satisfied with a grade that’s less than you can achieve. Both of you guys have shown yourselves to be exceptional learners as children. I would not hesitate to tell you that there is not likely to be a subject that you can’t make an A in. But even if you find that’s not true in every subject, understand what the best grade you can achieve is and don’t let yourself fall below it. And work toward raising that potential best.
• Give yourself a daily block of study time and use it. If you can complete all your homework before this time, spend the rest of it studying ahead in the book, or doing extra/advanced problems, or reading the non-essential parts of the text. Work to understand how the material applies to real life, or where else the principles might be applied. Ask the teacher if there’s any extra credit work you can do. If you’re in full control of the material and there’s nothing more to learn, find something else to study – an instrument, or electronics, or history or whatever floats your boat. Just dedicate that time to learning something.
• Recognize and apply your creativity. If you’re drawn to music, or art, or writing – embrace that. Give yourself regular gaps of time to explore those subjects. Look for clubs or activities that let you express a creative side. And in your coursework, find ways to inject your creativity in the less rigid assignments.
• Take on what you can handle. If that’s additional coursework, or a job or internship on the side, or a sport or activity. Give yourself some time to relax, but give yourself a full schedule to offset that. Every step you can take now exponentially determines how far ahead of the pack you can get in the future.
• “Study Hall” and similar time-wasters are there to try to force unmotivated students into studying. If you’re forced into one of these, use it to actually get all your study done so you can make better use of your time outside of school. But if you can, take a real class in its place.
• Take as many classes by competency exam as you can, especially first year subjects. Why waste time reviewing what you already know? If you’re tempted to take a first year course just to ground yourself in your major, don’t. Remember what I said about prerequisites? If you can pass the exam, you’ll be just fine to take the next level of the course.
• Take college at the pace you can handle it. If you take on too much, you can always drop a class until a later time. If you love college enough to stay there for 4 years, graduate in three and get your masters in the last year. Or get a double major. Or get an internship or job with a local company that’s in line with your career plans.
• Take some time to explore new avenues. This is a great time to learn what you like and what you don’t, because there’s so little risk involved. Take the opportunity to try things out and decide if they’re keepers.

Know that you’re going to be the subject of some peer pressure when you stand out. Everyone will be a lot happier if you’re performing on the average level, because it takes the pressure off of them. You might get derided for being a “brain”, or a “brown noser” or something to that effect, but shake it off. You’re not going to want to be average in the future. You’re not going to want the “average guy”’s financial problems, dead end job, life out of the spotlight, etc. in the future. And you can defeat any derision with a good attitude, a sense of humility and a sense of humor.

Going the way of the crowd is a sure fire way of guaranteeing you’ll be with them in the future as well.

School is going to be a big part of your life initially. It’s one of those necessaries that everyone passes through. Everyone doesn’t come out of it with the same experience, though.

School can feel like the greatest opportunity of your life, and it can feel like the greatest waste of time you can imagine. The experience you take away from it will greatly depend on the investment you make in it and the choices you make.

I’m going to offer you a few suggestions, some of my own, some inherited from wiser sources through the years. Although it’s really applicable at any point, I would guess you would find this information most valuable when approaching high school and college – simply because that’s the point where your self-awareness really begins to develop in earnest. For me, it was around 8th grade, but your experience will vary.

I think the most important step is the first – the process of visualizing your experience.

First of all, ask yourself why you’re going to school. What do you expect to get out of it? Are you there to prepare to go on to somewhere else? What do you need to get credit for academically? What skills (academic and social) do you need to develop here? What kind of experiences do you want to have? What sort of people do you want to be friends with? Who do you want occasional contact with? Who do you want to avoid? What teachers have a lot of influence? Are there any who are known to be hard to please? Are there any awards or recognitions you’d like to be working toward? What kind of person do you want to be known as? Are you going to try to hold a job during these years, and how much time would you want to give to this? Are you going to participate in sports, or band or other activities?

Get these answers on paper where you can look at them, as well as any other questions that might seem critical at the time. You should have a pretty good understanding of what you want to get out of this school experience.

Now spend a full afternoon visualizing your ideal experience. Put together as much detail as you can. Construct a daydream for yourself. What does a typical day look like? What do you wear, what kind of interactions do you have with people, how do others see you and respond to you? Picture yourself aceing tests, or starring on the football team, or being the center of attention. Picture yourself receiving awards, or being the class clown. Picture the relationships you have with teachers and friends – how they look at you, what kind of things they say to you. Walk yourself through a typical school day and weekend and some special awards or events. Picture everything in as much detail as possible, even down to conversations.

Make it as realistic as possible – for example, if you plan to get good grades, you need to plan for study time. Where do you study – what’s the environment like? Do you listen to music? Sit at a table or lie on a bed? If you plan to star in basketball, you need to plan those scheduled practices and your personal time in the backyard with the hoop. What kind of effort will you expend in practice? How does the coach regard you? What kind of shots do you work on when you’re alone? Are you more of a ball handler or a shooter?

When you think you’ve got a picture that you’re really excited about, that’s realistic enough to seem “doable”, get it down on paper so you’ll have it to refer back to. Don’t just do this once. Construct this dream and come back and play with it over and over. When you’ve got down time, spend a little time daydreaming these plans through again and again, fixing the problems and putting in a bit more detail in the successes.

Visualizing is powerful for a couple of reasons. First, it gives you a plan to follow. Second, if you play it out enough, it helps you to see the flaws in your plan and correct them. And finally, it gives you a goal that will encourage you to overcome the obstacles you run into in pursuit of that goal.

Why go to all of this effort? Why not just take what life gives you and see what happens? Why spend all this time thinking and planning about things? Why not forget about something as trivial as high school and just get serious in time for college?

Because your life is either going to be ruled by your choices or someone else’s. Someone is going to make a decision about whether you get an education, whether you’re popular, whether you’re respected, etc. It’s very unlikely that people will conspire to make your school experience match the ideal I asked you to visualize earlier, but it’s very possible that you could make it happen, with a little effort.

Plus, this is the ultimate set up for your future. If you get in there and make things work for you now, and get hands on experience as to how you can guide your own destiny, it will come so much easier when you decide to apply that experience to higher risk situations like careers, long-term relationships and critical decisions.

School is going to be a stage you’ll be playing for a number of years. You can coast along and take whatever part they decide to give you, or you can step up and take the lead with your own script.