Letters to My Kids

The title’s a little surprising, given all the “can-do” encouragement I’ve given you thus far.

The fact is, every time you involve yourself in a significant undertaking – a difficult class, a project in school, a business venture, a new position, a new personal project or challenge – you need to sit down and decide when to quit. Learn about what you’re getting into and what others have gained and lost. Learn what you’ve got to risk on the venture and exactly how much of a comfort zone you have to have.

Immediately, you might think this is negative thinking. If I’m worried about failing, isn’t that the first step toward actual failure?

No, not necessarily.

See, when you’re an eternal optimist, you expect everything to fall under your feet. Everything will go as planned, everyone is on your side, you’ll turn this over faster than anyone before you. When a problem comes up, often that illusion is shattered, and they quit. Thinking about when you should quit ensures that you understand that everything may not turn out exactly the way you thought, and lets you plan for the right time to get out before the pressures build up and the emotions start running high.

If you’re out to write the great American novel, you need to understand that most authors don’t get their first work published. If you want to become a rich entrepreneur, you need to understand that most of the greats before you went bankrupt a couple of times before getting there. If you want to be a friend to all men, you need to understand that some people have a problem making connections and fostering relationships.

With that under your belt, you won’t quit because your first novel didn’t sell, or because your first business went down the tubes, or because someone has determined to be your adversary despite your best efforts. You will understand the potential for problems is real, and likely you can expect to deal with less than idyllic situations.

And if you decide on the front end when it’s time to cut your losses, you won’t be plagued by evil vagaries like doubt and uncertainty.

This is one time when planning to fail actually gets you closer to winning.

Everyone experiences a particular inclination to see things in a certain way. It’s called a mindset, and it’s a powerful influence over your cognitive processes If you are of the mindset that people are basically bad, you are likely to interpret innocent statements as malicious attacks. If your mindset is that people are basically good, you may well see even an intentional slur as an innocent gesture.

This in itself could be applied to a host of discussions. But today I want to talk about motivation.

Motivation is a struggle we all share. We all want to be the best people we can be. We all want to achieve and stand out among the crowd. We all want to line up our goals, work honestly toward them and mold ourselves into the ideals we have for ourselves. But so often, it’s hard to get started. Or to keep going. Or to add a little more effort. Our brains find excuses to do otherwise. I’m too tired to exercise today. I’m not in the mood to study. I can sleep just a little later. I’m too young to make a difference. I’m too old to make a change.

If you want to live a life guided by purpose instead of excuses, you need to train yourself to focus on solutions instead of problems. Problems demand caution, hesitation, doubt and negative motion. Solutions encourage action, confidence and progression.

One of the simplest ways to implement this is to train yourself to seek solutions instead of problems. Instead of dwelling on the things holding you back, spend time on the things that allow you to move forward.

• When faced with the snooze button on your morning alarm, consider “What kind of things can I accomplish today” instead of “Can I get away with sleeping in for a few more minutes”
• When lacking motivation to exercise, ask yourself “Could I lift more than last time” instead of “What harm would come of skipping today”
• When struggling with a diet, think “How much better will this meal make me look” instead of “Am I going to have to give up my favorite foods forever”
• At the end of a work day, think “What else could I get out of the way” instead of “Can I get away with knocking off early”
• When you’re nervous at a party or social situation, think “What things in common might I find with people here tonight” instead of “Am I embarassing myself”

You see, when you focus on your problems, you just reinforce them. Even if you generate solutions, you’re likely to stall them considering the problems that they may introduce. You’re basically focusing on things you can’t control, and realizing that just breeds more negativity. But if you learn to focus on what you control, what you can do, what actions you can take – then you have something you can work with. A reason to get up and get moving. A light at the end of the tunnel.

Don’t worry about the things you can’t change. Focus on the things you can.

Prior to 1954, most experts agreed that a human being could not run a mile in less than four minutes. They postulated it was entirely beyond human capability – the muscles could not work hard enough, the heart could not handle the strain, the capacity of the cardiovascular system was insufficient. It simply couldn’t be done. Until Roger Bannister came along and proved everyone wrong.

The amazing part of the story wasn’t that Bannister broke the 4 minute mile. It’s that just over a month after he accomplished it, someone else did it. Then someone else. And before long, the 3 minute mile was the next goal. The experts were all wrong. The barrier was completely psychological. People refused to meet the next level because they thought it was impossible. Until someone else lit the way.

The fact is, there are always people who don’t get along well with rules. They see the world a little differently, or respond to a challenge more personally. They thumb their nose at the status quo. Some fail miserably and the world is quick to respond “Aha – we told you it couldn’t be done”.

But some do. They experience a little more luck, a little more perseverence, a little more preparation, or a little more drive. They achieve; and what once was seen as lunacy is recognized as fresh perspective.

You have to be careful with grand designs. Just dreaming the dream doesn’t get you there. And sometimes the impossible is impossible; or at least impossible at the level you’re currently at.

But if you weigh your abilities, your drive and your situation and you can see light at the end of the tunnel, there’s no reason to let the opinions of underachievers limit your possibilities.

Believe in yourself.

“The Family Circus” is a little comic strip in my generation notorious for hanging on to newspaper syndication for years and years, without really being funny or relevant. One long running gag they have is to show a parent and child standing over some broken object or other target of misbehaviour, with an invisible kid with a shirt labeled “Not Me” running away from the scene. The parent asks “Who’s responsible?” and the kid replies “Not Me”. Not really funny either, I’m afraid.

After years of looking at this often repeated stale gag, I see “Not Me” in a different light. Maybe it’s the result of trying to pull something valuable from the time wasted reading the strip. But I’ve come to see “Not Me” as the personification of the denial of responsibility. The child has created this imaginary wag as the object of blame, and as such, learns nothing from the punishment we assume will follow. It’s not his fault, it was “Not Me”.

People love to absolve themselves of responsibility. Setting the blame on someone else seems to patch up our egos and let us get on with the delusion that we are all perfect and in constant control. But let me encourage you to take responsibility whenever it’s applicable. If you did the deed, own up to it. If a friend did it and you didn’t try to dissuade them, own up to that. If someone was acting on ignorance when you could have filled in their mental gaps, own up to that. Don’t overdo it and try to take the blame for something beyond your control, but if you can see your involvement, take responsibility for it.

Why? Why take the bumps when there’s a good chance of getting away scot free?

• Taking responsibility helps you grow. Understanding where you failed gives you an opportunity to avoid a similar failure in the future. Admitting your mistakes helps you to avoid them at a future time, when the consequences might be greater. It may seem insignificant today when you chide yourself for letting your friend get in a car with someone who’s been drinking. But it may prepare you for the day you save his life by speaking out.
• Taking responsibility is appreciated. Especially from older people. When you’re willing to stand up and say “It’s my fault”, you’re showing others that you are accountable for yourself, you’re conscientious, you’re responsible. These are the kind of people that employers want to hire, that people want as a confidant, that people recognize for being a cut above the rest.
• Taking responsibility builds integrity. I define integrity as keeping your promises, wherever you make them. When you consistently recognize your shortcomings, you will unconsciously work to correct them. That’s keeping a promise to yourself to be all that you can be. Integrity is valued in any community and more importantly, it builds self image immensely. When you come to understand that you’re a person who meets their commitments and obligations, you have a sense of worth that’s unshakable.

It’s not always going to be the popular approach to take, but it’s always respected.

A bit of completely opinionated advice for Valentine’s Day, and the required traditions and demands.

First, advice for your junior high and high school years. Your relationship is not as sophisticated and it’s mainly an exercise in keeping up with the Joneses.

• The best valentine’s gift for a girl is something better than what her friends got. Be sneaky and find out what the other guys are giving her friends, then give something just a little bit more. Remember that “gift” encompasses everything they get, including dinner, flowers, a gift, goodies that pep clubs sell around the holidays, etc. If all the guys are giving a rose and a necklace, give the rose, the necklace and the goody that the pep club sells. You don’t really have to go miles above the standard, just a little bit. Your parents will tell you this is not the way to go, and may lecture you about materialism, but this is the way to shine in that special girl’s eyes.
• The best valentine’s gift for a guy is anything not girly. I know some girls think it’s cute to give a guy a rose or a Valentine’s sweater or jewelry or something like that. Unless all the other guys have one, your guy doesn’t want it. Guys will shuffle these things off and hide them in the interest of defending their manhood and your feelings will be hurt. It’s not that he doesn’t appreciate sentiment, but he doesn’t want to live with the ribbing he will get from other guys. Give a guy a guy gift. Something he’s interested in, not you.

Eventually you grow up into slightly more mature relationships and maybe even get married. In this scenario:

• The best Valentine’s gift for a girl is something she doesn’t need. This includes anything grossly impractical like flowers, candy, incidental jewelry, anything that pampers her. The single exception to this is when you’re both short of funds and you buy something she needs that you can’t afford. You can get some kudos for this, but don’t lean on it more than once or twice. Also, anything you can both use gets less appreciation. A lot of guys rely on the “special dinner out” at a really nice restaurant. This is a good side gift to go along with another bauble, but don’t let it be the only offering. Since you’re eating the meal too, it’s not really a gift for her. Something you would have bought her anyway, or something you will use as much as she is a definite trip to the doghouse.
• The best Valentine’s gift for a guy is to let him get away with something. The golf weekend with his buddies. The extended hunting trip with his buddies. The road trip with his buddies. Letting him buy something for himself you’d normally complain about.

Wait, you say. I completely skipped the college-era state of mature, but not quite that mature relationships. Those are sticky years.

• The best Valentine’s gift for a girl is tricky. You want to go with the high school era mentality of equalling her friends, but you now can work sensitivity into the mix. You will get more bonus points for something that shows you understand her or are willing to commit to her. Background stories get really important here. If you had a special evening together at a show, maybe get something related to the show and tell her why it’s related to the show and how it reminds you of her. Or if she has a secret desire to paint, or write poetry, or work on car engines or whatever, give something that supports that secret desire. If you think you might be getting serious with her, give something that demonstrates commitment. Like a pet you both take care of (be really careful of this, though – it doesn’t need to be something that will be a chore). Season tickets together if she’s a sports fan. Anything that shows you plan to be around with her. This gets gazonga bonus points.
• The best Valentine’s gift for a guy is not that tricky. Anything he likes is good. Anything you’d like him to like is bad. Signs of commitment are bad unless he’s the one pushing for it. And if your relationship is already serious to the point that you determine what he does sometimes, letting him get away with something is good.

So there’s my completely stereotypical, completely opinionated take.

But it works.

No matter how well you treat others, or how diligently you seek to be liked by others, you’re always going to have to deal with people that don’t like you. And sooner or later, you eventually have to deal with people who attack you verbally.

Dealing with insults is a really difficult task. Your immediate reaction is to strike out, to strike back. To vindicate yourself, or put someone else in their place. But this kind of confrontation is never productive. And it gets more difficult to deal with as you become older. The punishment for striking back, physical or verbal, gets worse and worse the older you get and always becomes a bad reflection on you.

Just picture the situation. Perhaps someone insults you and you reward them with a knuckle sandwich. Maybe you get a brief moment of intense personal satisfaction, maybe a few people admire you for doing so. The downsides?

• Punishment usually follows retaliation. Depending on your age and location, this could mean you receive punishment from parents, expulsion from a school or jail time.
• Retaliation always escalates. This person will seek to exact his pound of flesh from you; if not at present, at the first opportunity. They may follow up with subtler actions that are even more harmful than a fist.
• A tiny crowd of small minded people may think this is an admirable response. The people you want to impress, the ones who can do things for you just see it as a loss of control and your value goes down in their eyes.

Even if you retaliate with words, it’s just a matter of escalation. The same consequences will follow, just in different degrees. And it’s very very hard to draw a line from the physical once the retaliation escalates.

There’s a better solution.

Instead of taking your adversary’s anger on the chin, use his energy against him. Kind of martial arts for the mind.

Don’t make your goal “winning” the exchange. Make your goal to remain calm while forcing him to own up to their own negativity. Listen to what’s being said and what that says about them, not you. Don’t defend yourself and launch your own attack. Just redirect their force back to them. Force them to take ownership of their own feelings. Remember that the negativity is not about you, it’s about your adversary.

Think about it. If someone calls you a dirty S.O.B., the problem is not that you’re a dirty S.O.B. There are millions of dirty S.O.B.’s in the world this person chose not to address. And why should they really care what kind of person you are? The real problem is that your adversary has been hurt in some way and they feel you are responsible. Your job is to help them see that the problem lies with them, not you.

If someone tries to attack you verbally, respond with questions. “Why do you feel like that?” “What does that have to do with me?” “Do you feel like I’m responsible for this in some way?” Usually the responses come back as “Because you…”. The goal is to work to get them to focus on themselves and change the responses to “Because I…” When you can get the person to own up to their responsibility, it becomes evident that it’s up to them to solve their problems, not you.

Let’s have a little example of an exchange between adversary “A” and “B”, you. Handled inappropriately:

A: You stuck up jerk, you think you’re better than me?
B: Yeah, I do. Everybody else here does too.
A: How about I come show you just how good you are
B: You think you’re big enough?

I think you can see where this is going…

Let’s try again…

A: You stuck up jerk, you think you’re better than me?
B: Why do you feel like I would think that?
A: Because you’re always walking around here like you’re something special
B: I don’t think I’m something special. Do you think I’m better than you?
A: No I don’t. You’re no better than me
B: I don’t think so either. Did I do something to make you think that?
A: Yeah, you just looked at me funny
B: And you thought I was insulting you, personally
A: I don’t know. You just need to quit acting like you’re better than everybody.
B: Look, I don’t think I’m something special. I don’t have anything against you, either.
B: Maybe you thought what you saw was something it wasn’t.
A: You calling me a liar?
B: I’m just saying nobody else thinks I was insulting them. Why do you?

At this point, the fault is off you and on them. You can choose to find out the root of this person’s grievance (and explain why that isn’t your fault or better yet, help them with their problem) or if they’re unreasonable, simply leave it as a draw. Most people want to feel justified in their actions, and since you’ve gotten them to admit it’s their problem, they are more likely to just drop it.

It really can get hard when you’re insulted. Just remember that an insult only becomes harmful when you accept it. Someone can call you a dirty S.O.B. all day – but it won’t make an impact until you accept it as truth. Just remember that it’s not about you. It’s about a person having problems they can’t deal with who is looking to redirect them somewhere. Help them to see that they have to deal with their own problems.

It may be that you are at fault to some degree. That means this person has done you a favor by helping you see the problems in your own life. Be grateful to that person. Whether or not they intended to, they’ve made you stronger. Don’t dodge fault when it’s yours. Embrace it and fix the problem.

You never win when you escalate an argument.

OK, nothing life changing today. Just some simple advice about food that you may not have discovered yet on your own.

If you’ve ever been to a really nice restaurant, you might notice they bring you a bit of lemon sorbet in between courses. That’s not a pre-dessert snack – it’s there to cleanse your palate. You see, the taste of your food sticks to your mouth and builds up. When you switch from one food to the other, you’re still getting some of the former food’s taste along with the new. Lemon has a wonderful acidic property that will sponge some of that away, freeing your mouth up for the new flavors. Add to that the fact that anything you drink colors the flavor of your food, and just the process of taking a drink will wash away a lot of those old tastes.

So naturally, when you eat your favorite foods, you should drink as little as possible and choose something bland like water in order to fully appreciate it. Likely you are conditioned to basically wash your food down, but you’re missing a lot of what’s there to offer. The hots are hotter, the sweets sweeter, the sours sourer. And when you’re asked to stomach foods you’re not fond of, break out a heavily flavored soda or lemonade and drink often to keep the tastes from building on one another.

I’m not really expecting to get the father of the year award with that tip, but if you haven’t figured it out already, it’s immediately usable!

Goals are fun to set. Not as fun to keep sometimes.

It’s been a common theme in my life, and I suppose many others, to set a measurable goal, commit to it and begin to devalue its importance as time wears on. Basically the fun new endeavor becomes routine and less attractive. And it usually goes by the wayside.

One trick I have used that seems to help me is to state a goal from two angles and commit to an either/or situation. Then when one angle begins to lose its luster, you can approach it from the other. I call these tandem goals for no good reason besides liking the name.

Some ways this has worked for me in the past:

• When I had trouble sticking with weight loss goals, I tied in my goal of strength training. Instead of “lose 50 lbs” by a certain date, I committed to “I will be able to bench press my weight” by a certain date. So if I felt like slacking off the diet, instead of just abandoning the effort I would step up the weight training. On days I was too sore to lift, I watched my diet more closely. Either way, I was working toward the same end.
• When I wanted to improve my guitar playing, I allowed myself the angle of pure technical improvement vs learning phrases that were interesting. So when scalar practice got boring, I worked on woodshedding new ideas gleaned from non-guitar sources. And when the pendulum swung around to just wanting to “rock out”, I leaned more on the repetitive scalar exercises.
• I have tied career goals with personal development efforts. So as a programmer, I would angle my stated work-related goals against an effort to learn new, but related skills. So when the workman programming efforts began to get too routine, I’d work on supporting materials that explored new techniques.
• In a basketball game, I played assists vs scores. This is no big secret; it’s almost common sense. When you can’t hit, you stop shooting. But instead of seeing it as a defeat when I couldn’t score, I would try to see it as an opportunity to boost my assists. It’s all in your frame of mind.

It may not work in every situation, but it’s been very helpful to me.

When you think of a scientific genius, you tend to imagine an eccentric recluse, with poor communication skills hopelessly lost in jargon, toiling away alone in a lightless cell of their own choosing. Forever cursed to have no intellectual equal, living a lonely existance in search of his point of focus. You couldn’t be farther from the truth.

The fact is, true geniuses tend to congregate, collaborate and intertwine. Newton stated that if he had achieved anything, he had done so “standing on the shoulders of giants”. The great Einstein worked closely with physicist Max Planck and calculus whiz-kids David Hilbert and Tullio Levi-Civita when developing his theory of general relativity. Darwin read Lyell during his Galapagos journey.

The truth is, great minds are drawn to each other and use each other as resources.

The same should hold true for you.

If you find yourself to be outstanding in your chosen pursuit, sometimes you’re tempted to let ego come into play and cause you to see contemporaries as competitors. Take a lesson from the real geniuses and feed off the talents of others. Surround yourself with talented and knowledgeable people. Seek to convince others to work in tandem, not in opposition. Think of all the things you can learn from each other. What you can accomplish together.

Don’t worry about your reputation being lessened because you were helped. People pay attention to winners and achievers – it doesn’t matter if you had help or not. Share the load and get to the goal more quickly. Teamwork and leadership are skills that will be applauded your whole life.

Mind the company you keep.